Returning

Its been awhile since I last wrote. Theres some entries elsewhere I need to add to here once I get around to it. Briefly I kind of just want to sum up the inbetweens...
I went to Ringling, and had to withdraw shortly after starting from the financial burden and pressure put on me by gage. I moved back in with my mom with the kids while gage lives with my sister. I quit my job. And now I'm on to restarting my life journey.
I realized that theres SO many people in my life that don't actually want to be here, or feed off my misery to make themselves feel better. I dont want people like that as part of my life. I want people that I know actually want to be here, so I can ultimately be surrounded by loving positive circumstances, situations, and people.
I realized something while taking a shower tonight. Not necessarily something, but more so a different perspective. So many people, particularly gage, look at me and my situation and what im going through and they either dont want to or 'can't' understand what it is I'm going through. They think I'm making it up, its not a real issue. Then more so they don't understand why I had to take it so far, why I had to hit rock bottom, why I couldn't just snap out of it.
Well I thought of a better way to answer the why and try to provide a better perspective to the people that 'cant' get it:
When a bomb destroys part of a building, and the foundation is destroyed and crumbling and everything else around it is getting ready to collapse, you dont try to rebuild it. You knock the rest down and start from scratch, make something better and stronger.
I dont want to rebuild myself. I dont want  to be the same battered building taped together. I want to start over, build myself from the ground up on a sturdier foundation. In order to build something truly magnificent, I first have to destroy what was in the way. Which was everything about myself. and I can honestly look at my crumbled mess, and while right now I'm on an emotional roller coaster and everything truly is a mess, I can look around at the rubble around me and know that its time. Its time to start building something magnificent.
I had a time frame and a plan on when I was going to do everything, but I dont want to wait anymore. I'm ready now. I'm ready to be happy again and know that what I have around me is real. I'm ready to move onto new bigger better things and be a better, completly different person. I'm ready to shock the world in a good way. I don't know exactly what I want out of myself yet, I do still need my retreat for that, but I know the beginning path, and thats all you need to see, whats directly in front of you.
I'm ready and I'm excited.