Depressed state of mind

I've realized I rather suck as a person. I always have. I've stopped taking my antidepressants, and even in my fucked up state of mind I still know my brain and logic is so altered and my reasoning skills shouldn't be trusted, but even with still realizing that it doesn't matter to me right now and everything makes perfect sense to my twisted little world right now.
Anyways back to why I suck so hardcore. I've alienated myself. I always do. I make it impossible for myself to make friends, but then wonder why I have no friends. After switching jobs and deleting everyone from everything, I've never felt more alone. I've realized I am so dependant on anything other than myself to make me feel alive and normal. I took antidepressants to function through the day. Anytime I get even remotely upset my automatic thought is I need a drink, even though it was never just one drink. Or if I was really upset the automatic was I need to cut. I couldn't, didn't want to, just deal with anything on my own. I self destruct on a frequent basis. I like to think that I get better, but really I think its just that I become less aware.
I dont go through a normal cycle of emotions. I havn't for a long time. Happiness, I experience that when I'm with john, or for very very brief moments when the girls do something cute. Anger, not really. Its more that I just get overwhelmed. Sadness, you would think. You would really think that with depression sadness should be number one, but its rather nonexistent. I don't cry. Unless me and john fight. Its truly the only time I get sad enough to cry. Not having him to run to. Not having him to talk to. Not having him to hold. Those are the only times I actually get sad. And full on waterworks, him as well. Unrequited love. Caring about someone so mother fucking much and knowing your just not someone they're capable of loving in return. Wanting so desperately to know that someone out there loves me, like head over heels on his mind all the time loves me. That I matter to someone. Wanting so badly for that someone to be john but pretty much knowing its not going to happen, yeah that one definitely brings me tears. Its funny how the only person that makes me genuinly happy, is also the only person that makes me sad.
Ultimately, what these thoughts have led to, is one ultimate thought. Nobody would even notice if I die. Family obviously, just because I live with them. But thats truly it. Work, I don't talk there people would just assume I quit. Friends, I literally just have stefan, not sure my family would think to tell him anything. John, currently not talking to me anyways so he wouldn't notice either. Quite literally, the only people at my funeral would be immediate family. Which doesn't make me sad. nope. Just makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here, why I'm wasting space and time. My kids? Can anyone honestly say their lives are better with me? I suck as a fucking mother to them now. I love them both with every fiber of my being, but I know I'm no good for them. I can't financially take care of them. Emotionally I'm usually too far gone. Physically Im so unmotivated I have to pry myself up just to feed them. Thats not a mother they deserve. Thats not a mother anyone deserves.
I daydream of something happening to me, everyday. Getting in a car accident, getting murdered, being in a fire, anything and everything. Or when I'll finally grow the balls to just end it myself.
You know what the saddest and best part of it all is? Nobody believes me. To them I just make everything up. I choose to live this way and feel these things. Nobody sees any of this, nobody hears my thoughts. Nobody. Nobody realizes just how bad I am. Sometimes I dont even realize it. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I worry myself, wonder how much I'm actually capable of, wonder what I actually want, if I actually want to die or if I just think its what will be best for everyone. Sometimes I scare myself and think I should check myself into a hospital. But then I realize, whats the point? So I can listen to everyone tell me I'm just crying out for attention?
Whats the point. In any of it.

Depressions funny

When you hear of depression, you would probably imagine someone who just spends their days crying uncontrollably. But thats not the case. I hardly ever cry. Even thinking about something so sad, watching a sad movie, or being in an actual sad situation, theres not even a hint of tears. But not talking to john in 4 days, not knowing if hes still going to be in my life, the thought of not having him in my life, and missing him like crazy, brings me to shaking, heart wrenching tears.

Fuck

...I think I'm falling in love with him...