it'd be easier

 lately,  my depression comes and goes in little  spurtsagain.  mostly if I get upset,  it escalates much worse than it should. I  start to wonder if maybe in actuality I'm bipolar andthat's the problem that's why medicine doesn't help enough.
 not my point.
 not,  don't take this the wrong way. I  love my kids.  endlessly.  every little bit of them even when they're being brats I still love them unbelievably much and live for them and cherish them.  they're incredible.
 but sometimes.  sometimes I wish I never had kids.  not so I can be a normal person,  on the contrary.  sometimes I wish that wasn't the case,  so I could just end everything already.  other than them I see no reason to live, I  screw up everything I'm a walking time bomb I constantly try to destroy my relationship because I feel it's too good for me I dint deserve such a great relationship such a great man,  that I'm  unworthy. and one of these days it'll catch up to me and he'll stop fighting and just give it and it'll be too late.  butI ican't help it. I  can't help feeling this way and pushing and causing problems even when he tells me a million times a day I'm good enough I still can't listen and process it,  can't feel it.  so for selfish stupid reasons, I  wish I never had kids,  so I didn't have a reason to live.
  take the easy way out.  not  have to deal with this,  with the hurt.  but then,  taking the essay way out is never allowed now is it.

one life

one  day,  you'll wake up,  and look down,  and go holy shit.  You have this little being that is watching your every move,  learning from you,  mimicking you,  becoming you.   Becoming you.  And there's nothing you can do about it,  because to them,  you're perfect,  and you're their whole world. All they live for is to make you happy.  They're the most genuine,  grateful,  pain in the ass,  ridiculously amazing and astounding little things you could ever imagine,  and they want to be just.  like.  you.  And that is terrifying.  My little beings are 2 and 4  now,  and more and more each day,  not only do I see myself in them,  but I see them in each other. Specially the little one,  learning from her big sister,  watching her,  trying to do everything she does all the big girl stuff.  meanwhile the big girl is trying to be just like mommy.  And you stop.  And you think.  And you realize, I dont want  them to be like me!  How horrible that would be!  And you sit there,  and point out every little personality flaw you have.  You're stubborn,  you're bitchy,  you're always late,  you procrastinate,  you can be insanely negative,  you're self conscious,  every little thing in the book.  And you're creating them to be just.  like.  that.  And you just go,  well fuck.  But it's not.  It's not well fuck.  It's wake the fuck up and start a new life because it's never too late.  You get 1  chance in the world. 1  chance to make something of yourself,  to be proud,  to accomplish, to teach,  learn,  and grow. 1  chance to make a difference,  to be something.  To be happy,  fulfilled,  loving,  gracious,  admired.  You get this 1 life,  why sit here blowing it,  because you're too afraid of failing,  of  disappointing,  of not being enough,  because you feel like what's done is done no going back?  None of that is true.  Until you live your last day,  it is never too late to make a change.  So while you sit there,  and you stare at those little beings wanting to be just like you,  why not instead of thinking oh well,  think and declare,  today is the day.  It is not oh well. I am going to make myself something my kids will be proud of,  something I won't feel like I ruined for them.  If you can't change for yourself,  do it for you're little beings.  And if you don't have those yet,  heaven bless your heart because you got more time to perfect who you want that person to be.  You have more time for fuck ups and lessons learned,  so when you have those little beings looking up at you with those I'm innocent eyes,  you can get it right the first time.  And if you can't change for a life that is dependent on you,  well then you're a worthless human being and should probably just kill yourself :)
1  life.  Don't let anything hold you back from making it great.

The crazy thoughts

Every once in awhile, you have one of those days, when even though you know your better, not perfect but better, some of those thoughts, they just sneak back in. for no apparent reason. But its different. Or atleast it should be. Because your better. You have reason now. Whereas before, your crazy thoughts, they made sense to you. They were your distorted reality. But now that reasons back in your brain, it becomes this battle, of your crazy alternate universe irrational thoughts, and your functioning, deciding, reasoning thoughts.
I'm having of course the retarded blah blah shit sucks thoughts. But then those progress into something more, something completly different, and even more irrational.
I feel like you should know better. You should know that somethings wrong today, that I don't feel good, and you should sense that. You should know when I'm feeling sad, all I want is for you to just be here. I feel like you should know through my actions, that regardless of everything, there hasn't been a single time since I saw you that I havn't wanted you by my side, even for a second.
I just want you here. I want you to waltz through that door and be here because you knew I needed you.
But that's irrational. Because you dont know. Because regardless of everything, I wont admit it to you. Because I don't want to appear to be weak to you.
So I sit here. Alone. With my irrational thoughts. Battling it out against my rational thoughts.

I want love

I want it. Just don't honestly know if I'm ready for it. All I know is, I want someone to share my moments with. I want someone by my side, through the thick and thin. I want to be there by someones side. I want to know I'm with someone we're lifting each other up. Building each other. I want to be someones everything, and have them be mine. I want at the end of the day to just have someone to run to and everything feels amazing. I want other people to look at us and know how in love we are. I want our chemistry and passion to be so strong we constantly want to be next to each other. that kiss when your with them its so amazing your world spins. someone that every thing just fits so perfectly. Just going to work I miss them and they miss me. I want it. But I dont know that I'm ready to let someone in to get it.

Realization

All these issues I've been having in regards to not being ready for a relationship, not trusting someone enough, being too afraid of being hurt, not liking myself enough. They're stupid. Now dont get me wrong, I'm not at all saying I'm ready for one yet, but I shouldn't be pushing them away and running for the hills at the mention of one either. I need to let whats going to happen, happen. I spend so much time pushing away people that are interested and chasing after ones that aren't, it's stupid. Anyone can hurt me. But the right guy, isn't going to. The right guy isn't going to want to. So if one does hurt me, he's not the right guy, and I can walk away knowing that. Trust is earned, not given. I know that one. I think my biggest issue with trust is, I don't trust myself. So I immediately don't trust anyone else. But at the same time, that's stupid too. Because I know me. And I know when I'm happy, I'm not going to do anything to mess it up. So if I give into my stupidness or erratic behavior, then once again, it's not meant to be. I wasn't happy with Gage, there's no denying that. I saw the signs for a long time. And gave into my stupid erratic behavior. But I was so afraid of hurting him, I stayed when I shouldn't have. Stupid. I could've avoid ssooo much had I just listened to the signs. Listened to my head. My heart thinks too much. I can't force something to work, and my past 2 relationships, I tried and tried and tried sooo hard to force it to work well past its expiration point. Because I was afraid of being alone, afraid of hurting them, afraid of how things would change. But I'm not afraid of that anymore. Because it wasn't right. Why do I want something that doesn't feel right? If it's right, I have no reason to be afraid. And if it's wrong, I have the right thing to look forward to. There's no rush to find someone and be happy. More and more each day I'm learning how to be happy on my own. Appreciate all the things I currently have. Live for my girls. They're my happiness. And giving them what's right, is my priority.
I've spent ssooo much time being miserable at Gage and hating him and hating his girlfriend, it's stupid. So stupid. I'm hurt, but that's not an excuse. I want nothing more than for me to be happy, and I know that's not with him, so why shouldn't I be happy for him? There's no reason why I shouldn't want him to move on. Yes I was afraid of being replaced, all our memories taken away, everything we had lost, but that's stupid. I can never be replaced by any other girl, we share too much, hell I gave him children, nobody can replace that. And they can't replace a spot that I don't want. I need to work on building our friendship, because this bitterness and hostility, him taking it out on the girls, it's not fair to anyone. This is by no means saying I accept his girlfriend and am okay with it and her meeting my kids, fuck no she can go jump off a bridge for all I care, but the anger, it has to go.
This past week has sucked. I was so consumed with anger and worry, it made me miserable. But being in Key West, changing my environment, it was soooo good for me. Sitting on that rooftop just staring at the sky, I was able to clear my head and reflect on everything. For that one day, I was so happy. The worry was gone, the stress, the aggravation, it was all gone. And I realized, I want that feeling, all the time. Whatever it takes.
So that's my focus right now. Doing what it is to get me that feeling all the time. Letting go of all of my anger. God April seriously the name of your damn blog is let it go and your just now getting this? There's no reason for me to hold onto anger like I do. But thats the type of people I surrounded myself with, angry hostile bitter people. And lately I've been experiencing more and more calm, happy, go with the flow people. And it's sssoooo much better.
I'm ready. I'm excited. After this weekend, I have no doubt in my mind, moving is whats going to be best for me. You would think I'd think the opposite, because I wouldn't have gotten through this weekend if it wasnt for my family helping me out, but the change of scenery, it's going to be so good for me.
I'm going to focus on letting the anger go easier.
Surrounding myself with better people, positive people, happier people.
Keeping calm, and ways to better calm myself down.
Being happy, and letting what's going to come into my life, come.
Stop chasing things, people, situations. Whats going to happen will happen and I know that, I always have. Its time to stop pushing and start embracing.
Stop divulging my problems. I'm putting too much energy on them. I always felt like being out there and honest with who I am and what I've been through was the best approach, but it's not, because I'm putting energy on this negative situation that I had to deal with, and that's not good. I know who I am, I know what made me this way, and I'm okay with it. I'm at terms with it. It's my past and that's okay. I have to be medicated, and that's okay. I have parts of it that I will deal with indefinitely, and that's okay. But it's mine, and not anyone elses. If someone asks, I'm more than happy to share. But I'm done telling.
Fuckin yoga and meditation, I need to get back on that shit. It calms me so much.

Boys

I dont know what to do about boys. After the shit with John, I wasn't ready for anyone to get anywhere near me. Trust was gone. Fear was present. I was hurt so bad. I didn't know how to move on. I blamed myself for everything, that I wasn't good enough of a person, that there was something wrong with me. I know now and have come to terms with and accepted the fact that thats not at all the case, I did what I could, I honestly did nothing wrong, I tried every day to make him happy, give him my all, show him that he deserved better than he thought, and that's just not something he wanted. I no longer look at it as I'm not good enough for him, but more so he's not good enough for me. And I knew that all along, I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
After the whole, ordeal, with getting over him, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I didn't wish anything bad on him, I did love him and truly just want him happy even to this day, but I was left with SO much loneliness. I was so used to having somebody there for me, if I needed to talk about something, if I needed to be held, if I had...needs...I was so used to that person being there. And then it was gone, but I still needed all of that. I needed attention. So in came the ...friendly... ways. I felt like, I couldnt just have 1 guy, I would get attached. But if I kept myself busy with multiple guys, no getting attached, no getting hurt. Boy was that stupid.
Now, the real trouble lies here...everytime I open up to a guy, other than John, about my past of depression and my current anxiety, they freak the fuck out and run for the hills. Now I get that, to an extent. It's alot for somebody to deal with, understand, and take on, specially if its new to them. But if I'm just simply trying to be honest, so you know whats going on with me when I have an "episode", then I'm not asking you to take on any of my problems or deal with it or handle it, just be there for me. And they freak. Every. Time. And it makes me scared. It makes me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me, other than the obvious. It makes me feel like I can't be true and honest about who I am. It doesn't play a role in my day to day life like it used to, but it does still make surprise appearances. I don't think people get that. I think immediately I'm viewed as someone whose fragile. As a completely different person. And I dont understand that. I'm the same person. Just like everyone else. I have feelings and emotions, mine are just a little more extreme at times. Why does that warrant treating me any different? Maybe I'm just opening up too soon? I kinda felt like, put all my cards out on the table right from the beginning  so if I'm rejected I'm rejected, no wasting anyones time. But maybe thats the wrong approach? Or maybe they're just the wrong guy. It's really hard to know which.
It just sucks. I've accepted who I am. I've accepted that is a part of my past, my recent past, and it will be a part of my life for probably quite some time. Even when it's not present, it's still a disease that lives within you just like any other. It's something that has helped to shape me into the person I am, some good some bad. It's a part of me. And I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. I've learned how to handle it, how to cope with it, and how to let go of it. Every day, slowly but surely, I'm teaching myself how to accept more and more of myself, how to love myself more, so that one day when I do meet a guy that can accept me for me, I'll be able to give them what they deserve. I just wish people would see the me that I see, and not this picture of a girl with depression. I wish someone actually took the time to get to know me, and where it stems from, what happened in my life, where I currently am. Who I currently am. Instead of just passing judgement. I don't think anyone realizes how hurtful that really is. To judge a person based off of one thing before you even know them. Specially if all the things you did know prior to that, were great.
It makes me sad. For myself, for them, for other people that have to experience this. It makes me really sad.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder, why do I bother trying? I try so hard to make the people around me happy. So hard to be the person that everyone wants me to be or expects me to be. So hard to please everyone. So hard to find someone that cares. And why? For what? What good has come from any of it? I get walked all over. Forgotten. Used. I'm tired of being everyones partial because nobody wants all of me.