Feeling unworthy

Uugghh I guess let me start off by saying, I'm not sober, so apologies in advance, I don't proof read.
Tonight, im feeling so unbelievably unworthy, not good enough, rejected, doomed to be alone forever. Nobody can handle me. I have too much baggage for anyone. Im a tiny package but I come with alot. some is good, but some not  so much. my good qualities make me so unique of a person, but apparently my bad qualities are enough to crush all of that.
My attitude is too much, my personality is too much, my past is too much.
I feel so inadequit, like just trying to be me isnt good enough.
I feel like im going to be impossible for anyone to ever love.
All of this, it makes me feel broken.

The break up, and a few other things

I can't sleep. Tonight is the first time I have shared this blog with someone, because I want him to know where I come from. and that was terrifying, letting someone I barely know so deep into my life. But it also made me for the first time, go back through and reread everything outside of a mood. It was dark. I'm much better now. I still slip and struggle and have my moments, but thats part of healing from something like this. I'm going to have those moments where life gets me and I have to remember how to deal. But the reason I know I'm better, I can pick myself back up. I started drinking again. When I started having my "moments". Bad idea. Its just hard when I'm trying to make friends and its hheeyy lets go downtown, saying hheeyyyyy I really shouldn't drink, its just not something I want to explain to everyone.
me and john broke up, about a month ago. He broke up with me. He says I'm untrustworthy. I'm too flirty. He doesn't believe me when I honestly say I wasn't doing anything. But it was also that he felt like he wasn't making me happy, so he wasn't happy. Its been hard to let go, I know I'm better off without him, but it still hurts. I wish for nothing but the best for him I truly do want him happy. I know on the outside hes a shitty person, but he helped me with so much, regardless of the amount of pain he put on me I still want whats best for him.
Me and gage, still not getting along.
Me and the rest of the world, pretty non existent. I still do my best to alienate myself for some reason. I want to be cared about and know someone is there for me, but after john, I'm terrified of feeling inadequit again, not good enough, not worthy. The rejection hurts, so I guess I figure I'd rather not give anyone the chance. But thats stupid. If anything, I'm the one that needs the chance, not them.
I dont need someone to save me and rescue me, I dont need to be someones project, I dont need to be taken care of. I need to know I'm not alone while I take care save and rescue myself. I need to know I can do it myself. But I dont want to be alone.
God I hope I don't get insomnia again.

Depressed state of mind

I've realized I rather suck as a person. I always have. I've stopped taking my antidepressants, and even in my fucked up state of mind I still know my brain and logic is so altered and my reasoning skills shouldn't be trusted, but even with still realizing that it doesn't matter to me right now and everything makes perfect sense to my twisted little world right now.
Anyways back to why I suck so hardcore. I've alienated myself. I always do. I make it impossible for myself to make friends, but then wonder why I have no friends. After switching jobs and deleting everyone from everything, I've never felt more alone. I've realized I am so dependant on anything other than myself to make me feel alive and normal. I took antidepressants to function through the day. Anytime I get even remotely upset my automatic thought is I need a drink, even though it was never just one drink. Or if I was really upset the automatic was I need to cut. I couldn't, didn't want to, just deal with anything on my own. I self destruct on a frequent basis. I like to think that I get better, but really I think its just that I become less aware.
I dont go through a normal cycle of emotions. I havn't for a long time. Happiness, I experience that when I'm with john, or for very very brief moments when the girls do something cute. Anger, not really. Its more that I just get overwhelmed. Sadness, you would think. You would really think that with depression sadness should be number one, but its rather nonexistent. I don't cry. Unless me and john fight. Its truly the only time I get sad enough to cry. Not having him to run to. Not having him to talk to. Not having him to hold. Those are the only times I actually get sad. And full on waterworks, him as well. Unrequited love. Caring about someone so mother fucking much and knowing your just not someone they're capable of loving in return. Wanting so desperately to know that someone out there loves me, like head over heels on his mind all the time loves me. That I matter to someone. Wanting so badly for that someone to be john but pretty much knowing its not going to happen, yeah that one definitely brings me tears. Its funny how the only person that makes me genuinly happy, is also the only person that makes me sad.
Ultimately, what these thoughts have led to, is one ultimate thought. Nobody would even notice if I die. Family obviously, just because I live with them. But thats truly it. Work, I don't talk there people would just assume I quit. Friends, I literally just have stefan, not sure my family would think to tell him anything. John, currently not talking to me anyways so he wouldn't notice either. Quite literally, the only people at my funeral would be immediate family. Which doesn't make me sad. nope. Just makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here, why I'm wasting space and time. My kids? Can anyone honestly say their lives are better with me? I suck as a fucking mother to them now. I love them both with every fiber of my being, but I know I'm no good for them. I can't financially take care of them. Emotionally I'm usually too far gone. Physically Im so unmotivated I have to pry myself up just to feed them. Thats not a mother they deserve. Thats not a mother anyone deserves.
I daydream of something happening to me, everyday. Getting in a car accident, getting murdered, being in a fire, anything and everything. Or when I'll finally grow the balls to just end it myself.
You know what the saddest and best part of it all is? Nobody believes me. To them I just make everything up. I choose to live this way and feel these things. Nobody sees any of this, nobody hears my thoughts. Nobody. Nobody realizes just how bad I am. Sometimes I dont even realize it. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I worry myself, wonder how much I'm actually capable of, wonder what I actually want, if I actually want to die or if I just think its what will be best for everyone. Sometimes I scare myself and think I should check myself into a hospital. But then I realize, whats the point? So I can listen to everyone tell me I'm just crying out for attention?
Whats the point. In any of it.

Depressions funny

When you hear of depression, you would probably imagine someone who just spends their days crying uncontrollably. But thats not the case. I hardly ever cry. Even thinking about something so sad, watching a sad movie, or being in an actual sad situation, theres not even a hint of tears. But not talking to john in 4 days, not knowing if hes still going to be in my life, the thought of not having him in my life, and missing him like crazy, brings me to shaking, heart wrenching tears.

Fuck

...I think I'm falling in love with him...

Returning

Its been awhile since I last wrote. Theres some entries elsewhere I need to add to here once I get around to it. Briefly I kind of just want to sum up the inbetweens...
I went to Ringling, and had to withdraw shortly after starting from the financial burden and pressure put on me by gage. I moved back in with my mom with the kids while gage lives with my sister. I quit my job. And now I'm on to restarting my life journey.
I realized that theres SO many people in my life that don't actually want to be here, or feed off my misery to make themselves feel better. I dont want people like that as part of my life. I want people that I know actually want to be here, so I can ultimately be surrounded by loving positive circumstances, situations, and people.
I realized something while taking a shower tonight. Not necessarily something, but more so a different perspective. So many people, particularly gage, look at me and my situation and what im going through and they either dont want to or 'can't' understand what it is I'm going through. They think I'm making it up, its not a real issue. Then more so they don't understand why I had to take it so far, why I had to hit rock bottom, why I couldn't just snap out of it.
Well I thought of a better way to answer the why and try to provide a better perspective to the people that 'cant' get it:
When a bomb destroys part of a building, and the foundation is destroyed and crumbling and everything else around it is getting ready to collapse, you dont try to rebuild it. You knock the rest down and start from scratch, make something better and stronger.
I dont want to rebuild myself. I dont want  to be the same battered building taped together. I want to start over, build myself from the ground up on a sturdier foundation. In order to build something truly magnificent, I first have to destroy what was in the way. Which was everything about myself. and I can honestly look at my crumbled mess, and while right now I'm on an emotional roller coaster and everything truly is a mess, I can look around at the rubble around me and know that its time. Its time to start building something magnificent.
I had a time frame and a plan on when I was going to do everything, but I dont want to wait anymore. I'm ready now. I'm ready to be happy again and know that what I have around me is real. I'm ready to move onto new bigger better things and be a better, completly different person. I'm ready to shock the world in a good way. I don't know exactly what I want out of myself yet, I do still need my retreat for that, but I know the beginning path, and thats all you need to see, whats directly in front of you.
I'm ready and I'm excited.

Life as I know it now

As far as the depression is concerned, I've been doing MUCH much better. But in it's place is super anxiety and stress. I guess apparently people at work have noticed I'm always alot more stressed out and the whole anxiety thing, one person pointed out I look like I'm having panic attacks sometimes...so that sucks. But it's alot easier to handle than the depression. That's not all the way gone, it just doesn't hold as much of a presence in my life. It's not like a the world is over my life sucks I can't do this anymore feeling, it's become more of a fuck...this sucks feeling. School is 16 days away. And it's a HUGE stress. Financially. We still only have 1 car between the 2 of us, and my school is an hour away. Trying to arrange transportation so that he can still go to work, its stressful. Then there's the wholeeee I have to come up with an extra $1000 a month for my tuition thing, when we're already so behind on bills. It doesn't make sense as to why we're so behind on bills and having such a hard time catching up, but its just the way that it is right now. And that extra $1000, it's an enormous stress. It makes me feel like I'm such a burden. Then we're going to have to put Alara in daycare, and the daycare that Taya goes to doesn't accept under 2 year olds, so they're going to have to go to different schools because we don't want to transfer Taya, plus the added cost of putting a 1 year old in daycare. It's all very stressful, and obviously my fault since I'm the one going to school, so I feel very responsible for all this added stress.

Plus I've been feeling guilty about the whole you know, tearing my family apart because I was too unhappy thing. I don't regret my decision to do so, I was absolutely miserable and sooner or later it was bound to happen, things weren't going to get fixed if I just kept on pretending like I was happy. But with the holidays approaching, knowing that we're not going to be together for it and be able to do all our little traditions and we're going to have to split everything up, it fucking sucks. It's a very heavy guilt on my shoulders knowing that I did that to my kids. Gage says I shouldn't carry that guilt, but of course I do. How could I not? How can anyone live with the fact that they tore their home apart. 

I'm very nervous about everything with school. I'm very nervous as to how it's going to work out. I havn't bought any of my school supplies, because they're all specialty items since it's art school, and the supply kit is $400...so I'm just...I'm so nervous about everything. I know everything always finds a way and works itself out, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I'm picking up as much shifts as I can right now, but it's like every penny that comes in instantly has to go out, nothings actually getting saved and set aside for school. Ugh. We need something big to happen....and soon.