Scared to let go

I'm holding onto john so tightly, trying so desperately to not lose those memories, feelings, to not give up, to not let him give up. And why? For what? I KNOW we were toxic. I know things between us were a time bomb of good moments waiting for the next fight, repeat. I know unless he did some serious changing there was no future between us. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, someone whose not so afraid of admitting they care about me. Someone whose not terrified of running into someone they know every time we were in public together. So why? Why do I hold on so strongly to that. Why am I so afraid of letting go?
Well thats just it. I am afraid. I'm afraid every time I care about someone, they're going to leave. I'm afraid im never going to be good enough. I wasn't good enough to make gage happy, I wasn't good enough to make john keep his guard down longer than 5 minutes. Theres just something about me that can't make people happy. And I hate that. I should be good enough as me.
I trailed off a little bit there. I'm afraid of letting someone else in. john knew everything. My whole past. He was there for all of the struggles. He didn't judge me for it. Just for other things. And now that I'm trying to open up to someone else, and hes running scared, it makes me terrified of opening up again. It makes me feel like a basket case. It once again makes me feel not good enough.
I'm terrified of letting someone in, and they use that to hurt me. Im terrified of hurting someone I care about.
But mostly, the biggest reason I can't let go, I'm TERRIFIED of being alone. Finding someone that accepts even the vast majority of me is difficult. Finding someone to accept that I have kids is difficult. Finding someone that accepts both of those, I'm starting to think is impossible. And I don't want to be alone. Its not that I can't handle being alone, I certainly can, its that I dont want to. I want love and happiness. I want to wake up every morning and look over and be insanely happy, lucky, and grateful to be waking up next to someone. I want to be able to look in someones eyes and be able to tell they love me as much as I love them. I want to miss them when they're gone and look forward to seeing them. I want to know someone feels the same about me. I want to know I matter to someone. That I'm wanted. And I'm terrified of not finding that.
And its not something I need right this minute, but I also dont want to waste my time on guys that thats not there with. And I know its not with john. I don't need to meet someone today and get married tomorrow, no. I don't want to rush into that because I need to know its real. But I'm so scared of never finding a guy that wants that with me. Im so scared I'm never going to be good enough, that I'm always going to be too much to handle, that nobodies ever going to look at me and think, its worth getting past all that to discover me. And it makes me sad. Because I know beneath my fucked up, cold, bitchy surface, im insanely caring and compassionate. I know how amazing I can be once I let you in. I know that me is worth something, and it makes me so sad and feel so low to know that nobody thinks its worth getting past the surface. It makes me feel really shitty. like I'm just too screwed up. Not worth it. Not good enough. Like theres something wrong with me. Its a horrible feeling.
Coming into this post, I knew exactly how it needed to end: the title of my freakin blog is let it go, and my damn side says feed your dreams starve your fears. I need to listen to myself and do those things. Let john go, let the past go, its the only way I can be open for better. Stop being scared  and start going after what I want.
But right now, I just feel low.

2013, you suck

Sugar dies in a very heart breaking way.
Haley gets let outside, knowing theres coyotes where I live, its been a week and shes still gone.
I get arrested.
I lose pretty much any chance of winning custody if I decide to leave florida.
I can't move out of my moms house.
I lost every friend I thought I had.
The realization of how alone I am is made very evident.
I lose any chance of gaining back a friendship because of my job, seriously?
My precious car goes bye bye.
Got banned from going to a place.
Had my engagement ring stolen along with other less valuable crap.

We're only in march, and all this has happened? Not my year at all.

Feeling unworthy

Uugghh I guess let me start off by saying, I'm not sober, so apologies in advance, I don't proof read.
Tonight, im feeling so unbelievably unworthy, not good enough, rejected, doomed to be alone forever. Nobody can handle me. I have too much baggage for anyone. Im a tiny package but I come with alot. some is good, but some not  so much. my good qualities make me so unique of a person, but apparently my bad qualities are enough to crush all of that.
My attitude is too much, my personality is too much, my past is too much.
I feel so inadequit, like just trying to be me isnt good enough.
I feel like im going to be impossible for anyone to ever love.
All of this, it makes me feel broken.

The break up, and a few other things

I can't sleep. Tonight is the first time I have shared this blog with someone, because I want him to know where I come from. and that was terrifying, letting someone I barely know so deep into my life. But it also made me for the first time, go back through and reread everything outside of a mood. It was dark. I'm much better now. I still slip and struggle and have my moments, but thats part of healing from something like this. I'm going to have those moments where life gets me and I have to remember how to deal. But the reason I know I'm better, I can pick myself back up. I started drinking again. When I started having my "moments". Bad idea. Its just hard when I'm trying to make friends and its hheeyy lets go downtown, saying hheeyyyyy I really shouldn't drink, its just not something I want to explain to everyone.
me and john broke up, about a month ago. He broke up with me. He says I'm untrustworthy. I'm too flirty. He doesn't believe me when I honestly say I wasn't doing anything. But it was also that he felt like he wasn't making me happy, so he wasn't happy. Its been hard to let go, I know I'm better off without him, but it still hurts. I wish for nothing but the best for him I truly do want him happy. I know on the outside hes a shitty person, but he helped me with so much, regardless of the amount of pain he put on me I still want whats best for him.
Me and gage, still not getting along.
Me and the rest of the world, pretty non existent. I still do my best to alienate myself for some reason. I want to be cared about and know someone is there for me, but after john, I'm terrified of feeling inadequit again, not good enough, not worthy. The rejection hurts, so I guess I figure I'd rather not give anyone the chance. But thats stupid. If anything, I'm the one that needs the chance, not them.
I dont need someone to save me and rescue me, I dont need to be someones project, I dont need to be taken care of. I need to know I'm not alone while I take care save and rescue myself. I need to know I can do it myself. But I dont want to be alone.
God I hope I don't get insomnia again.

Depressed state of mind

I've realized I rather suck as a person. I always have. I've stopped taking my antidepressants, and even in my fucked up state of mind I still know my brain and logic is so altered and my reasoning skills shouldn't be trusted, but even with still realizing that it doesn't matter to me right now and everything makes perfect sense to my twisted little world right now.
Anyways back to why I suck so hardcore. I've alienated myself. I always do. I make it impossible for myself to make friends, but then wonder why I have no friends. After switching jobs and deleting everyone from everything, I've never felt more alone. I've realized I am so dependant on anything other than myself to make me feel alive and normal. I took antidepressants to function through the day. Anytime I get even remotely upset my automatic thought is I need a drink, even though it was never just one drink. Or if I was really upset the automatic was I need to cut. I couldn't, didn't want to, just deal with anything on my own. I self destruct on a frequent basis. I like to think that I get better, but really I think its just that I become less aware.
I dont go through a normal cycle of emotions. I havn't for a long time. Happiness, I experience that when I'm with john, or for very very brief moments when the girls do something cute. Anger, not really. Its more that I just get overwhelmed. Sadness, you would think. You would really think that with depression sadness should be number one, but its rather nonexistent. I don't cry. Unless me and john fight. Its truly the only time I get sad enough to cry. Not having him to run to. Not having him to talk to. Not having him to hold. Those are the only times I actually get sad. And full on waterworks, him as well. Unrequited love. Caring about someone so mother fucking much and knowing your just not someone they're capable of loving in return. Wanting so desperately to know that someone out there loves me, like head over heels on his mind all the time loves me. That I matter to someone. Wanting so badly for that someone to be john but pretty much knowing its not going to happen, yeah that one definitely brings me tears. Its funny how the only person that makes me genuinly happy, is also the only person that makes me sad.
Ultimately, what these thoughts have led to, is one ultimate thought. Nobody would even notice if I die. Family obviously, just because I live with them. But thats truly it. Work, I don't talk there people would just assume I quit. Friends, I literally just have stefan, not sure my family would think to tell him anything. John, currently not talking to me anyways so he wouldn't notice either. Quite literally, the only people at my funeral would be immediate family. Which doesn't make me sad. nope. Just makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here, why I'm wasting space and time. My kids? Can anyone honestly say their lives are better with me? I suck as a fucking mother to them now. I love them both with every fiber of my being, but I know I'm no good for them. I can't financially take care of them. Emotionally I'm usually too far gone. Physically Im so unmotivated I have to pry myself up just to feed them. Thats not a mother they deserve. Thats not a mother anyone deserves.
I daydream of something happening to me, everyday. Getting in a car accident, getting murdered, being in a fire, anything and everything. Or when I'll finally grow the balls to just end it myself.
You know what the saddest and best part of it all is? Nobody believes me. To them I just make everything up. I choose to live this way and feel these things. Nobody sees any of this, nobody hears my thoughts. Nobody. Nobody realizes just how bad I am. Sometimes I dont even realize it. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I worry myself, wonder how much I'm actually capable of, wonder what I actually want, if I actually want to die or if I just think its what will be best for everyone. Sometimes I scare myself and think I should check myself into a hospital. But then I realize, whats the point? So I can listen to everyone tell me I'm just crying out for attention?
Whats the point. In any of it.

Depressions funny

When you hear of depression, you would probably imagine someone who just spends their days crying uncontrollably. But thats not the case. I hardly ever cry. Even thinking about something so sad, watching a sad movie, or being in an actual sad situation, theres not even a hint of tears. But not talking to john in 4 days, not knowing if hes still going to be in my life, the thought of not having him in my life, and missing him like crazy, brings me to shaking, heart wrenching tears.

Fuck

...I think I'm falling in love with him...