Realization

All these issues I've been having in regards to not being ready for a relationship, not trusting someone enough, being too afraid of being hurt, not liking myself enough. They're stupid. Now dont get me wrong, I'm not at all saying I'm ready for one yet, but I shouldn't be pushing them away and running for the hills at the mention of one either. I need to let whats going to happen, happen. I spend so much time pushing away people that are interested and chasing after ones that aren't, it's stupid. Anyone can hurt me. But the right guy, isn't going to. The right guy isn't going to want to. So if one does hurt me, he's not the right guy, and I can walk away knowing that. Trust is earned, not given. I know that one. I think my biggest issue with trust is, I don't trust myself. So I immediately don't trust anyone else. But at the same time, that's stupid too. Because I know me. And I know when I'm happy, I'm not going to do anything to mess it up. So if I give into my stupidness or erratic behavior, then once again, it's not meant to be. I wasn't happy with Gage, there's no denying that. I saw the signs for a long time. And gave into my stupid erratic behavior. But I was so afraid of hurting him, I stayed when I shouldn't have. Stupid. I could've avoid ssooo much had I just listened to the signs. Listened to my head. My heart thinks too much. I can't force something to work, and my past 2 relationships, I tried and tried and tried sooo hard to force it to work well past its expiration point. Because I was afraid of being alone, afraid of hurting them, afraid of how things would change. But I'm not afraid of that anymore. Because it wasn't right. Why do I want something that doesn't feel right? If it's right, I have no reason to be afraid. And if it's wrong, I have the right thing to look forward to. There's no rush to find someone and be happy. More and more each day I'm learning how to be happy on my own. Appreciate all the things I currently have. Live for my girls. They're my happiness. And giving them what's right, is my priority.
I've spent ssooo much time being miserable at Gage and hating him and hating his girlfriend, it's stupid. So stupid. I'm hurt, but that's not an excuse. I want nothing more than for me to be happy, and I know that's not with him, so why shouldn't I be happy for him? There's no reason why I shouldn't want him to move on. Yes I was afraid of being replaced, all our memories taken away, everything we had lost, but that's stupid. I can never be replaced by any other girl, we share too much, hell I gave him children, nobody can replace that. And they can't replace a spot that I don't want. I need to work on building our friendship, because this bitterness and hostility, him taking it out on the girls, it's not fair to anyone. This is by no means saying I accept his girlfriend and am okay with it and her meeting my kids, fuck no she can go jump off a bridge for all I care, but the anger, it has to go.
This past week has sucked. I was so consumed with anger and worry, it made me miserable. But being in Key West, changing my environment, it was soooo good for me. Sitting on that rooftop just staring at the sky, I was able to clear my head and reflect on everything. For that one day, I was so happy. The worry was gone, the stress, the aggravation, it was all gone. And I realized, I want that feeling, all the time. Whatever it takes.
So that's my focus right now. Doing what it is to get me that feeling all the time. Letting go of all of my anger. God April seriously the name of your damn blog is let it go and your just now getting this? There's no reason for me to hold onto anger like I do. But thats the type of people I surrounded myself with, angry hostile bitter people. And lately I've been experiencing more and more calm, happy, go with the flow people. And it's sssoooo much better.
I'm ready. I'm excited. After this weekend, I have no doubt in my mind, moving is whats going to be best for me. You would think I'd think the opposite, because I wouldn't have gotten through this weekend if it wasnt for my family helping me out, but the change of scenery, it's going to be so good for me.
I'm going to focus on letting the anger go easier.
Surrounding myself with better people, positive people, happier people.
Keeping calm, and ways to better calm myself down.
Being happy, and letting what's going to come into my life, come.
Stop chasing things, people, situations. Whats going to happen will happen and I know that, I always have. Its time to stop pushing and start embracing.
Stop divulging my problems. I'm putting too much energy on them. I always felt like being out there and honest with who I am and what I've been through was the best approach, but it's not, because I'm putting energy on this negative situation that I had to deal with, and that's not good. I know who I am, I know what made me this way, and I'm okay with it. I'm at terms with it. It's my past and that's okay. I have to be medicated, and that's okay. I have parts of it that I will deal with indefinitely, and that's okay. But it's mine, and not anyone elses. If someone asks, I'm more than happy to share. But I'm done telling.
Fuckin yoga and meditation, I need to get back on that shit. It calms me so much.

Boys

I dont know what to do about boys. After the shit with John, I wasn't ready for anyone to get anywhere near me. Trust was gone. Fear was present. I was hurt so bad. I didn't know how to move on. I blamed myself for everything, that I wasn't good enough of a person, that there was something wrong with me. I know now and have come to terms with and accepted the fact that thats not at all the case, I did what I could, I honestly did nothing wrong, I tried every day to make him happy, give him my all, show him that he deserved better than he thought, and that's just not something he wanted. I no longer look at it as I'm not good enough for him, but more so he's not good enough for me. And I knew that all along, I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
After the whole, ordeal, with getting over him, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I didn't wish anything bad on him, I did love him and truly just want him happy even to this day, but I was left with SO much loneliness. I was so used to having somebody there for me, if I needed to talk about something, if I needed to be held, if I had...needs...I was so used to that person being there. And then it was gone, but I still needed all of that. I needed attention. So in came the ...friendly... ways. I felt like, I couldnt just have 1 guy, I would get attached. But if I kept myself busy with multiple guys, no getting attached, no getting hurt. Boy was that stupid.
Now, the real trouble lies here...everytime I open up to a guy, other than John, about my past of depression and my current anxiety, they freak the fuck out and run for the hills. Now I get that, to an extent. It's alot for somebody to deal with, understand, and take on, specially if its new to them. But if I'm just simply trying to be honest, so you know whats going on with me when I have an "episode", then I'm not asking you to take on any of my problems or deal with it or handle it, just be there for me. And they freak. Every. Time. And it makes me scared. It makes me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me, other than the obvious. It makes me feel like I can't be true and honest about who I am. It doesn't play a role in my day to day life like it used to, but it does still make surprise appearances. I don't think people get that. I think immediately I'm viewed as someone whose fragile. As a completely different person. And I dont understand that. I'm the same person. Just like everyone else. I have feelings and emotions, mine are just a little more extreme at times. Why does that warrant treating me any different? Maybe I'm just opening up too soon? I kinda felt like, put all my cards out on the table right from the beginning  so if I'm rejected I'm rejected, no wasting anyones time. But maybe thats the wrong approach? Or maybe they're just the wrong guy. It's really hard to know which.
It just sucks. I've accepted who I am. I've accepted that is a part of my past, my recent past, and it will be a part of my life for probably quite some time. Even when it's not present, it's still a disease that lives within you just like any other. It's something that has helped to shape me into the person I am, some good some bad. It's a part of me. And I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. I've learned how to handle it, how to cope with it, and how to let go of it. Every day, slowly but surely, I'm teaching myself how to accept more and more of myself, how to love myself more, so that one day when I do meet a guy that can accept me for me, I'll be able to give them what they deserve. I just wish people would see the me that I see, and not this picture of a girl with depression. I wish someone actually took the time to get to know me, and where it stems from, what happened in my life, where I currently am. Who I currently am. Instead of just passing judgement. I don't think anyone realizes how hurtful that really is. To judge a person based off of one thing before you even know them. Specially if all the things you did know prior to that, were great.
It makes me sad. For myself, for them, for other people that have to experience this. It makes me really sad.