Boys

I dont know what to do about boys. After the shit with John, I wasn't ready for anyone to get anywhere near me. Trust was gone. Fear was present. I was hurt so bad. I didn't know how to move on. I blamed myself for everything, that I wasn't good enough of a person, that there was something wrong with me. I know now and have come to terms with and accepted the fact that thats not at all the case, I did what I could, I honestly did nothing wrong, I tried every day to make him happy, give him my all, show him that he deserved better than he thought, and that's just not something he wanted. I no longer look at it as I'm not good enough for him, but more so he's not good enough for me. And I knew that all along, I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
After the whole, ordeal, with getting over him, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I didn't wish anything bad on him, I did love him and truly just want him happy even to this day, but I was left with SO much loneliness. I was so used to having somebody there for me, if I needed to talk about something, if I needed to be held, if I had...needs...I was so used to that person being there. And then it was gone, but I still needed all of that. I needed attention. So in came the ...friendly... ways. I felt like, I couldnt just have 1 guy, I would get attached. But if I kept myself busy with multiple guys, no getting attached, no getting hurt. Boy was that stupid.
Now, the real trouble lies here...everytime I open up to a guy, other than John, about my past of depression and my current anxiety, they freak the fuck out and run for the hills. Now I get that, to an extent. It's alot for somebody to deal with, understand, and take on, specially if its new to them. But if I'm just simply trying to be honest, so you know whats going on with me when I have an "episode", then I'm not asking you to take on any of my problems or deal with it or handle it, just be there for me. And they freak. Every. Time. And it makes me scared. It makes me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me, other than the obvious. It makes me feel like I can't be true and honest about who I am. It doesn't play a role in my day to day life like it used to, but it does still make surprise appearances. I don't think people get that. I think immediately I'm viewed as someone whose fragile. As a completely different person. And I dont understand that. I'm the same person. Just like everyone else. I have feelings and emotions, mine are just a little more extreme at times. Why does that warrant treating me any different? Maybe I'm just opening up too soon? I kinda felt like, put all my cards out on the table right from the beginning  so if I'm rejected I'm rejected, no wasting anyones time. But maybe thats the wrong approach? Or maybe they're just the wrong guy. It's really hard to know which.
It just sucks. I've accepted who I am. I've accepted that is a part of my past, my recent past, and it will be a part of my life for probably quite some time. Even when it's not present, it's still a disease that lives within you just like any other. It's something that has helped to shape me into the person I am, some good some bad. It's a part of me. And I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. I've learned how to handle it, how to cope with it, and how to let go of it. Every day, slowly but surely, I'm teaching myself how to accept more and more of myself, how to love myself more, so that one day when I do meet a guy that can accept me for me, I'll be able to give them what they deserve. I just wish people would see the me that I see, and not this picture of a girl with depression. I wish someone actually took the time to get to know me, and where it stems from, what happened in my life, where I currently am. Who I currently am. Instead of just passing judgement. I don't think anyone realizes how hurtful that really is. To judge a person based off of one thing before you even know them. Specially if all the things you did know prior to that, were great.
It makes me sad. For myself, for them, for other people that have to experience this. It makes me really sad.