As far as the depression is concerned, I've been doing MUCH much better. But in it's place is super anxiety and stress. I guess apparently people at work have noticed I'm always alot more stressed out and the whole anxiety thing, one person pointed out I look like I'm having panic attacks sometimes...so that sucks. But it's alot easier to handle than the depression. That's not all the way gone, it just doesn't hold as much of a presence in my life. It's not like a the world is over my life sucks I can't do this anymore feeling, it's become more of a fuck...this sucks feeling. School is 16 days away. And it's a HUGE stress. Financially. We still only have 1 car between the 2 of us, and my school is an hour away. Trying to arrange transportation so that he can still go to work, its stressful. Then there's the wholeeee I have to come up with an extra $1000 a month for my tuition thing, when we're already so behind on bills. It doesn't make sense as to why we're so behind on bills and having such a hard time catching up, but its just the way that it is right now. And that extra $1000, it's an enormous stress. It makes me feel like I'm such a burden. Then we're going to have to put Alara in daycare, and the daycare that Taya goes to doesn't accept under 2 year olds, so they're going to have to go to different schools because we don't want to transfer Taya, plus the added cost of putting a 1 year old in daycare. It's all very stressful, and obviously my fault since I'm the one going to school, so I feel very responsible for all this added stress.
Plus I've been feeling guilty about the whole you know, tearing my family apart because I was too unhappy thing. I don't regret my decision to do so, I was absolutely miserable and sooner or later it was bound to happen, things weren't going to get fixed if I just kept on pretending like I was happy. But with the holidays approaching, knowing that we're not going to be together for it and be able to do all our little traditions and we're going to have to split everything up, it fucking sucks. It's a very heavy guilt on my shoulders knowing that I did that to my kids. Gage says I shouldn't carry that guilt, but of course I do. How could I not? How can anyone live with the fact that they tore their home apart.
I'm very nervous about everything with school. I'm very nervous as to how it's going to work out. I havn't bought any of my school supplies, because they're all specialty items since it's art school, and the supply kit is $400...so I'm just...I'm so nervous about everything. I know everything always finds a way and works itself out, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I'm picking up as much shifts as I can right now, but it's like every penny that comes in instantly has to go out, nothings actually getting saved and set aside for school. Ugh. We need something big to happen....and soon.
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