lately, my depression comes and goes in little spurtsagain. mostly if I get upset, it escalates much worse than it should. I start to wonder if maybe in actuality I'm bipolar andthat's the problem that's why medicine doesn't help enough.
not my point.
not, don't take this the wrong way. I love my kids. endlessly. every little bit of them even when they're being brats I still love them unbelievably much and live for them and cherish them. they're incredible.
but sometimes. sometimes I wish I never had kids. not so I can be a normal person, on the contrary. sometimes I wish that wasn't the case, so I could just end everything already. other than them I see no reason to live, I screw up everything I'm a walking time bomb I constantly try to destroy my relationship because I feel it's too good for me I dint deserve such a great relationship such a great man, that I'm unworthy. and one of these days it'll catch up to me and he'll stop fighting and just give it and it'll be too late. butI ican't help it. I can't help feeling this way and pushing and causing problems even when he tells me a million times a day I'm good enough I still can't listen and process it, can't feel it. so for selfish stupid reasons, I wish I never had kids, so I didn't have a reason to live.
take the easy way out. not have to deal with this, with the hurt. but then, taking the essay way out is never allowed now is it.
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