Feels like the end

Saturday, June 23rd 2:19 am

It's over. that's all I feel right now, is it's truly over. He's really moving on. Me and gage just had sex. I know I know, wtf. It happens from time to time, we're people, we have needs. Yes our sex life was a huge problem while we were together, but at the end of the day if your needs are to that point, they need to be taken care of. So anyways, my thing is necks. I like my neck to have some special attention paid to it, and I like to pay special attention to other peoples' necks. Normally, I would merely tilt my head to the side, and he knew what that meant. He did nothing this time. I kept trying to go towards his neck, he kept saying no, which I just figured is because he sees both the fat bitch and the skank tomorrow, why leave evidence your still fucking your ex, right. Then I'm laying there afterwards as he's kinda half ass hovering over me, when I realized, normally he'd be laying on top of me. Then I realized, he didn't kiss me, anywhere, not even once. I don't expect to kiss on the lips, thats alot of feelings and emotions involved, but like I was kissing his chest and shoulders, he normally would too. No. nothing. Anywhere. the second I realized that, I just felt like curling up in a ball, crying, thinking this really means its over. That to me was the signal of I don't want you anymore. And then, before he left, he had the nerve to say your still attractive. Are you fucking kidding me!?! I just fucking slept with you, I feel dead and empty because of how dead and empty that sex was, and you fucking tell me I'm still attractive!!!!!! Mother fucker I want to slice your fucking balls off!
So now here I am. Once again. 2 am. Wide awake. And feeling like shit. bars are closed. I have no alcohol, literally none. So. Here I fucking am.
I had a pretty decent day up until this point.

Its hard not to want to go out and say fuck it and not give a shit how my night goes. to run to john and not give a shit what time I get home or what Gage thinks. That's just how my personality is, that's how I function. You fuck with me, you piss me off, I'm tempted to do anything I can to hurt you. Restraining from that, it's fucking hard, and thank god its almost 3 am, because that's a huge factor in stopping me. But like a fucking idiot, I still fucking care and still fucking want this to work out, like an idiot I still have hope, restraining me from going and doing everything imaginable to fuck up. Because I still fucking have hope if I dont fuck up too bad, and I'm not too fucking stupid, that this can be fixed. But I'm a fucking idiot. Clearly I've moved past the sad depressed hurt empty phase, I'm in the mother fucking pissed the fuck off phase. Pissed the fuck off. Pissed. The fuck. Off. I can't fucking decide between depressed and angry. I wanna cry, and I wanna slam his face into a wall.

Fuck.