Family = Drama

6/30/12 10:06 AM

Morning post for a change, that's weird. I didn't really sleep last night. Well, kind of, but not really. I half ass fell asleep around 6:30. I kept dozing off slightly between about 4:30 and 6:30, but didn't remotely actually fall asleep til 6:30...the baby woke up at 7:45. Yeah. And I got up. So I'm running on an hour of sleep. I know the smart thing will be to try to stay awake all day, and then hopefully I'll just be too damn tired that I have to go to bed early, and can get on a good schedule, but here's my problem with that: I only have decaf coffee. I get VERY irritable when I'm tired and have ZERO patience. Gage goes to work at 5, and won't be home til about 2 AM. That is a LONG time to be by myself, exhausted. Yesterday wasn't too bad, he was home between 12 and 2, Taya was still at daycare until about 5, so it was just Alara, and she wasn't too bad. But I had taken a nap, kind of, so I was able to deal. Except for the drama that happened last night, which is the whole reason I got on to write.

My family. We are just a freaking nonstop full circle of drama. We're all just drama prone queens. And as soon as one person is involved, the whole damn family is involved. My sister posted on my facebook yesterday inviting us over to her house for the 4th. Now, that's all fine and dandy, but there was still not an apology in that invite forrrrrrrr blasting my facebook calling me a whore all over the place, putting my business out there when I didn't want anyone knowing anything about the breakup, shit half my "friends" still don't know, oh yeah and for TELLING GAGE TO TAKE MY FREAKING KIDS AND LEAVE ME! Who the hell does that to their family? I just felt so betrayed by her, specially considering I have ALWAYS been there for her, whether she realized it or not, which she doesn't, because that was part of our argument. So I didn't exactly respond very nicely. I told her I'm not doing shit until I get an apology, and that includes coming over for her little party. I know my sister, hell I know my family. What would have happened if I didn't say anything and just simply went over there is, she would have pretended like everything was okay, the issue would never have been addressed, and everything would have been swept under the rug like it always is. I can't do that anymore. Pretending like everything is fine, and ignoring all the problems, is what led me to this point, I can't knowingly keep on putting myself back in that situation. I need to let things go. It's hard as hell, way easier said than done, but this is not something I can let go. You don't do that to your family. She feels completely justified for her actions, even though Gage, our mother, and her fiance are all telling her she's wrong and needs to apologize. Yes now they're also =telling me that I need to apologize for blowing up on her like that, but no. She doesn't have the right to treat me like that. And then so my mother decides to join in on the conversation. Oh boy what fun. Courtney wants to sit there and say that I was never there for her and that I was always talking shit about her and putting her business out there and running my mouth. I have countless people that can whole heartedly 100% say that is the absolute total opposite. Anytime anyone ever said anything about my sister, because she put us through alot of hell in highschool to make people talk, I was the FIRST person to step up and tell people to shut up, and if they didn't I was making them shut up. I cannot even begin to tell you how many asses I had to kick in her defense. And because she was too busy running away from her problems, pretending like they didn't exist, putting us through more hell, she never saw that. I hated my sister growing up. But it didn't matter if we had gotten into a fight that morning before school, if someone said something about her at school, I didn't care how pissed I still was at her, she came first. And for her to totally betray me and say that I've never been there for her and that I don't deserve to have my children, that's unforgivable, specially when she doesn't even want to apologize. And then she yells at my mom saying that standing up for me is enabling my behavior, which by the way by my behavior she's talking about my depression and lashing out on everyone. She knows full well what it is like to have to go through something alone, what it's like to be depressed, and what it's like to be attacked. So for her to sit there and say that people are enabling me to use my depression as an excuse, is beyond crazy. She doesn't know anything about our breakup, she doesn't know what I was feeling, she doesn't know what I was going through, she doesn't know what point I reached before I couldn't take it anymore, So she has no right to say that she is justified for what she says and that I'm being enabled. Yes I have depression. Yes when I get into one of my "moods" nothing matters in the world. But I have in no way EVER done anything to affect my children. Yes I go out and I drink and I don't come home until 4 in the morning, but I'm not coming home until 4 in the morning because I'm making sure I'm sober enough to drive and if not I'm staying where I know I'm safe. So how the hell am I being irresponsible and harming my kids, if even through a freaking bout of depression I'm still smart enough to make sure I'm good enough to drive? And if I'm not in a mood, then I'm perfectly aware of everything I'm still me. It's all still there. It just disappears very easily and gets clouded. But I'm still fully capable of knowing the difference between whats real and fake, whats wrong and whats right, whats good and bad, and every other freaking thing out there. She's not even trying to understand what I'm going through.

I'm pretty sure this was just a giant jumbled rambled mess. I don't know what I'm going to do as far as that situation with her goes. Me and Gage decided when we made our plans on how to proceed with things, that we would sit down 1 time and explain our situation to our family and friends, get it all out there, both sides, at the same time, answer what questions we could, and then be done wit hit. And we havn't done that yet because I havn't been talking to my sister. So pretty much right now at this point what I'm thinking is going to be the best thing to do, is go over there on the 4th, have that little talk because my whole family will be there, and then leave. I'm not sitting around for the party and feeling uncomfortable all day, I can't really handle social situations to begin with. That's the best I can do right now. And they will have to accept that.

On another note. I'm so confused. So confused. I love Gage, of course I do. I always will. It's not the loving him that's the problem, it's the being IN love with him that's the problem. And I miss him. I hope that we can one day work this out and get back together, that's like the huge giant reason I don't want a relationship with John and don't want to date, because I don't want that chance of things completely ending with Gage. But I get so unsure about what he wants, if he still hangs onto that hope, or if it is really over for him. Sometimes I think there is still hope, and others I think I could be dead and it wouldn't matter to you. This is so unhealthy. I feel like it would be so much easier if I sucked it up and lived with my mom, but I also feel like it'd be so much harder.. I feel like we would never talk and that we would fall apart, not to mention hardly ever seeing my girls. I kind of feel like staying living together, is my last little dangling thread holding onto everything. I wish I could go back in time and just find a way to suck it up and get through our issues and forget everything and just force myself to be happy and feel the way that I should. But it's just not right. So I don't know.

UGH. How obvious is it my mind is a blur today...