Here we go...

Friday, June 22^nd, 2012. 12:43 AM

Anna Nalick said it pretty good…”2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to” That’s how I feel at this moment, it’s not quite 2 AM, it’s 12:45 AM. I’ve been laying in bed for almost 2 hours now, trying to fall asleep, and I just can’t because of the countless thoughts running through my head. And these countless thoughts, have slowly but surely been threatening the life they belong to. So as I was laying there, I thought to myself, I need to get this out. I discovered a few months ago, with the help of a psychologist, that I keep everything inside, I hold onto things too much, and over the past years everything’s been stacking up, consuming my very life. And time and time again, I’ve told myself, I need to let it go, I need to get these words out of my head in one way or another. Well that lead to talking to myself in the shower, and boy let me tell you when you’re already feeling crazy, that’s just the icing on the cake. So laying there tonight, I made a decision, and I will do my best to stick with it, but I need to get these words out of my head. I need to express myself in some way. I need to just release everything. So I thought, blog. Even if nobody reads what I write, it’s still releasing it from inside of me. And if someone does happen to read my thoughts, hey maybe some good will come from this. So here we are, at 12:49 AM. It’s not on a blog yet, no I’m far too unmotivated for that at the moment I wouldn’t even know where to begin, then I’d really be staying up all night. So for now I will type this in a lovely little word document, and eventually, transfer to an actual blog.

Now, I don’t feel like giving my whole back story, that will come with time I’m sure, as all my little issues arise. Basically the gist of things is, I’m 22 years old. I have a 3 year old, and a 10 month old. Yes you can smack your palm to your forehead at this point. Things we’re okay, for a little while. Then when my youngest was about 6 months old, things got bad. I’ve had my moments of depression before, but this was…different. This was unbearable. A vicious circle of hate, and self loathing, and confusion. And I didn’t treat it, I let it go and go and go. Until one day, I snapped. Now my life’s pretty much in crumbles. Me and their father, we were together for 6 years. Notice the were. I started treating him like shit, and being self destructive, and the depression consumed me, really it still does, and we broke up. Now there’s MUCH more to it than that, we had been having problems for quite some time, some he knew about some he didn’t until everything just started pouring out of me. Needless to say, of that 6 years, the last 2 we were engaged, but for the last 1 year I wasn’t wearing my ring, I had given it back to him while I was pregnant, because things weren’t where they should be.

So let’s get to today. There’s some people and relationships I should probably just throw right on out there because they will be mentioned:
Gage – baby daddy. Ex (I will never be used to that). High school sweetheart. Love of my life. I destroyed him.
Courtney- the sister. We’re currently not speaking, because she said some uncalled for words and wont apologize.
Mother- well that’s pretty self explanatory, she’s my mother.
Taya- My 3 year old. The real love of my life. My drive and my motivation each and every day, since the day I found out I was pregnant with her. She truly is my world.
Alara- My baby. It’s conflicting what to say here. Here goes: Obviously I love her to death, she’s my child. But then this is where the depression comes full circle…I got bad post partum because of her, so then I can’t help but to blame her in my thoughts for making me like this, which just angers myself because what kind of a parent thinks that way.
John- Might also be referred to as Brinley. He’s been my “special friend” since things with me and Gage got bad. For a long time he was the only person that I felt comfortable talking to about everything that was going on with me and Gage. I’m not interested in having a relationship with him, I see no future with him, and he feels the exact same about me. But for right now, he’s my only escape from this world that I feel so trapped in. And I need that escape.
Stefan- The only other person that I talk to about everything. Other than me and Gage, John and Stefan are the only people that know EVERYTHING. My own family doesn’t know the extent of whats going on with me and Gage, they merely know we’re broken up. As far as I know, Gage’s family doesn’t even know we’re broken up. So these 2 people are the people I confide in. Stefan’s been my friend for almost a decade. And lately, he has more than proven his friendship. Even when I’m being at my worst, he sets me straight, tells me to grow the fuck up, and all the right words I need to hear. I really don’t know where I’d be without him right now, he’s helped me get through a lot. And Stefan, if I let you read this, and you’re at this point, I truly mean that. You’ve been amazing.
Candice- Might also be referred to as “that fat bitch”. She likes Gage. Gage works out with her every morning. Gage claims he’s not interested in her, but obviously I’m going to think what I want.
Kalon- Might also be referred to as “fucking slut”. She likes Gage. Gage likes her. It pisses me off.

Alright so enough of that, now onto the real shit. I guess I should put this out there too, I swear. I swear a lot. Sorry. So what’s really bothering me right now, other than the fact that writing about that fucking slut has put an image of her in my mind and is aggravating me but I’ll get over that, the whole reason behind me laying in bed having all these swirling thoughts driving me crazy, provoking me to get out of my nice comfy warm bed and come to the computer, is I’m so conflicted.

I don’t want Gage to move on. I’m not diving into our past right now, but I don’t want him to move on. I don’t want him dating. I don’t want him liking this Kalon bitch. I don’t want him falling in love. I don’t want her meeting my freaking children. I don’t want her anywhere near him. I don’t want to be replaced. But right now, I don’t want him. I know I know, I’m selfish blahblahblah how can you prevent him from happiness if you threw it away I know. I’ve heard it ten million times from myself alone, let’s not factor in the additional 10 million times Stefan’s told me. I know. I’m fucked up. My whole thing with Gage that ultimately led to the break up, was that I was no longer IN LOVE with him. I still loved him. And cared about him. And I still do. But I was not IN LOVE. There were no sparks. No passion. No chemistry. No excitement. It was boring. The same thing, each and every day. I felt trapped. I’ve been with him since I was 15. There really was not dating before that. It was a couple flings, and then boom relationship, then boom kid, then boom another kid. And I have all kinds of childhood drama to go with that. So I felt like, my life was over. I felt 40. I still feel 40. You should not be 22 years old and feel like you’re 40 and that your life is over and that this is all your ever going to know. I got futher into planning our wedding, and more and more I felt, who the hell am I. I’m a mother. And basically a wife. But who the hell else was I? Who the fuck is April? I had no freaking clue. I felt lost. I feel lost. I feel like by having kids so young, completely my choice, that along the way I lost myself. I no longer had things that I did for me, things that I enjoyed to do. I woke up, took care of my kids, went to work, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, watched the same tv show, took a shower, went to bed. Repeat. Every. Single. Day. There was no ME anywhere in there. I felt like a robot. And it freaked me out. It was too much. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take feeling like this was my life for the next who knows how long. That there wasn’t going to be anything else, there wasn’t going to be anything new, there wasn’t going to be anything exciting. I didn’t get excited about things anymore. I became dead inside. And this was before the post partum got bad. So before even entering a stage of severe depression, I was already feeling dead inside. Birthdays, felt nothing. Holidays, lets roll through the routine. Nothing. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? When you start to picture that being your life every single day for the next 40 years. I can’t be the only one that would go crazy from that.
So, I still have love for Gage. And it hurts me to see him and not be with him (we still live together, I see him everyday, that’s a whole lot of hurt). I still want our happily ever after, living together, married, raising our kids, white picket fence, whole nine yards. I do still want that. But I don’t want it right now. I don’t want it the way our relationship was. I want to LIVE a little (although if you ask my family, they will tell you I’ve been doing a whole lot of living lately). I want to be a kid and make mistakes and be stupid, and freaking be 22. And anytime I tell someone that, the response is ALWAYS “Well you can’t do that, you have kids of your own” And my response is ALWAYS(I didn’t care who you were) “Well thank you asshole, for making my depression even worse, because I already knew this, why do you think
I feel like such shit). Told you, viscous circle. Going round and round and round. I want to be 22, but I can’t be 22 I have to be a mom. Which just makes me feel more depressed, because I can’t. Back to Gage. I still want all of those things, but I need to know who the hell I am first. And I know he doesn’t understand that. And I know he’s hurt by my actions. And I know he’s hurt by this breakup. But is it really fare for me to stay with him, when I’m not in love with him, and I’m not happy, which cannot possibly be making him happy? That’s not right. It’s not right to him. He deserves better. But I don’t want that better to be with someone else, I still want that better to be with me. I just know right now, I can’t give him that better. I need to give myself better. I need to find myself. I need to learn to like myself, to love myself, and then to love him. I can’t do that if we’re still in that toxic loveless relationship. I saw no other option. And I hope one day he can understand that, regardless of what our outcome is. And I hope one day my sister can stop hating me for this. I truly saw that this was my only option if I was going to keep living (which yes has run through my mind).

Right now my situation with Gage is this: We live together, because money is tight and we only have 1 car and can’t afford to do things separately. We are civil. We talk. We can be around eachother. Hell, we can even play video games together. But the hurt is there. The sadness is there. For both of us. I’m pushing him away, because of how much I’ve hurt him. But we made an agreement, and I can’t let go of that. We both would still love to have that happy ending. But it has to be RIGHT. It has to make sense. It has to be passionate, and exciting, and fulfilling. So right now, we are working on building a friendship. Being able to be around each other without the sadness. Being able to take our kids out together, and it not be awkward. Being able to laugh, and not feel bad afterwards. And if that friendship builds itself into something more, then we would take it in stages. Taking everything in stages, rebuilding everything. Not just friendship to engagement again, no. That won’t work. It has to go civil, friends, dating, relationship, whatever. It has to build itself up to that point. That’s the only way we can get to a good lasting point. I pray that happens. I pray we can get there. We’re still in the civil stage a little bit though.

Now, throw in my confusion. John. Everything I have with John, I don’t have with Gage. Everything I don’t have with John, I do have with Gage. If I could merge these 2 relationships into 1, I’d be golden. Gage holds my heart. The emotions, the caring, the trust, the comfort level, the history, the knowledge. Everything mental and emotional, is with Gage. But our sex life, is just sex. It died. As I started realizing I wasn’t in love with him anymore, having sex got harder and harder to do. It was passionless. It was merely sex. And that sucks. Everything physical, is with John. Our personalities conflict a lot. There’s no trust, no comfort, no history, none of that. But there’s excitement. There’s anticipation. There’s passion. Everything I have with John, is not with Gage. Everything I have with Gage, is not with John. And it is the most conflicting, confusing, aggravating, stressful thing ever. Like, WTF are your supposed to do? UGH!

Now obviously, since this is the first post I’m making, there’s so much more to every story. But for right now, this is where I’m at tonight. This is what was bothering me, and keeping me awake.

Everytime someone finds out I have depression, they ask why. I had an amazing man, who loved me to death, and treated me so good, and had qualities that are very hard to come by (mostly, and he will admit to this, because I basically made him who he is). They tell me I have 2 happy, healthy, beautiful daughters. They tell me I have family who loves me. No friends, I don’t really have friends. They tell me that I just got accepted into the college of my dreams. What could I possibly have to be depressed about. And I always just tell the, I have my reasons. Maybe by my doing this, I can help them to understand a little better. Things aren’t always what they seem. I’ve become a master at making everything seem perfect, when it’s a disaster. My depressions, its day by day. I’m not on medicine because I can’t afford it, so until then, it’s day by day. Some days are awesome, I don’t think about anything bad. Most days are spurts, for the most part they’re just calm with a couple of sad moments. A couple days are bad. Nobody except me and Stefan though seem to realize, there’s already huge improvement in me. Because when I hit my breaking point, every day was bad. There were no good days. There were no calm days. It was just all bad days. And the fact that I’m able to see everything like this, I see it as a step forward. I know I have a long way to go, but I think this is also another step forward.

Anyone who just read all of that, if anyone, is just as crazy as I am :D