Jealousy

6/29/12 1:31 AM

I’ve been handling things a little bit better since last writing. I’ve had a few moments here and there, but nothing too unbearable. The biggest thing is jealousy. The jealousy is killing me. Everything Gage picks up his phone, I want to hurl it across the room. It doesn’t matter who he’s actually texting, I always just assume it’s either the fucking skank or the fat bitch. The mere thought of him talking to either one of them, it just instantly pisses me off. I go through his phone. Pretty much every night. I know it’s wrong of me, but I have to. I have to know what’s going on between him and the fucking skank, how he’s feeling, how she’s feeling, if things are at all progressing. It hurts sometimes, I’ve seen some upsetting things, nothing too bad but given the situation still upsetting, but not hurting, and always wondering, hurts a lot more, in a different way. And it’s not like I can just come right out and ask hhheeeyyyy what’s going on between you and your fucking skank, because then I would have to address the whole I go through your phone thing. Except I slightly got busted today. Yesterday, I copied their numbers into my phone. For no particular reason, yet, I just wanted to have them, incase one day things get a little too serious between them and I get a little too pissed, I can be a raging jealous bitch and that would come in handy. Well he had to use my phone today to switch his phone number over, and saw in the recent calls list that I quickly dialed those numbers to save them into my phone. So then he obviously asked why I had their numbers saved. And he said he doesn’t want me meddling in that stuff, because I’m being a hypocrite anyways. Which I told him I’m completely aware of, but that at the same time I’m not. Because he flat out told me, and of course this was all in our “talk” earlier, that he had NO interest whatsoever in meeting someone, dating someone, or anything along those lines, that he just wanted to focus on himself. So I said how the hell is going out with the same person every week and talking to the same person every day focusing on yourself,  that’s lying. And blahblahblah ended with me being pissed and us getting nowhere. But regardless, I told him it pisses me off that he’s talking to them, the whole situation pisses me off, and I didn’t want to hear about his workouts or anything else that involves either one of them. I know I’m probably being stupid, but it bothers me. Like I said previously, I don’t want him moving on with someone else. And I feel like that’s what this is. I guess that’s all I really have today. I’ve been trying to keep things pretty mild lately. I’m trying to figure out how I can sell my engagement ring and use that money to get put on medicine. But I also don’t have the motivation to do much these days. The depressions taken a physical toll on me. I lost weight along time ago, which is something that I really didn’t need to do, but now I’m just always tired, but also have insomnia. I usually don’t fall asleep until atleast 4, some nights 6 in the morning. And all I want to do all day long is sleep, but of course its usually pretty hard to sleep. I thought about maybe trying a “nap” type schedule, 4 hours asleep, 8 hours awake. But that’d be really hard to work around Gage’s work schedule and dealing with the kids. Speaking of which I’m apparently on my own for basically the whole day tomorrow, he works both jobs, Taya will be in daycare for the day, but after that it’s just me and the kids til about 2 AM…. Those days scare me.