I'm putting a lock on this heart of mine.

I've been hurt. Alot. Over my life, but mostly, over this past year. Not 2013, although as stated it does suck. But these past 12 months have really sucked a fat one. I used to be this strong, heartless girl, that would crush a boy in a heartbeat before I even considered letting them hurt me. I would break up with a boy the second things got mushy. I dumped a kid I actually kind of liked because he bought me a piece of jewelry that said love, and it freaked me out. On valentines day. That was the type of person I was. I didn't allow myself to care, I had these giant fortress of walls up, and even letting friends in was a challenge. Then I fell in love with gage. granted it took some time, some running, some breakups, but eventually, it happened. On valentines day. The irony. Anyways, once I let those walls down, it's like I forgot how to put them back up. It wasn't an effort when they originally went up, I was just wired that way, I'd seen too much in my young life, it hardened me. but knocking those walls down for gage, it opened up a field of hurt. It allowed anyone to just waltz into my life and do as they please. While I stood. Like a naive idiot. Because I developed optimism and hope and the want for love and happiness and relationships. These things that should be great that I so badly wanted, they allowed everything else to come in. like opening the gates to hell. I got hurt by gage. I'm over it, I've learned to deal and accept, but ultimately the hurt is still there. I hurt myself by hurting gage and our family. I got hurt by people I considered friends, not caring one way or another if I existed. I got hurt by john. I'm still hurt by john. I still hurt every day. But yet I still find myself missing him. with each realization of how not good enough, not pretty enough, not tame enough, not wild enough, not enough not enough not enough I am to him, I get hurt and hurt and hurt. Each time I think, yes, I'm ready, I want a relationship, I want to find love, I want my happily ever after, I just get more and more hurt, because to every guy I meet, im not good enough. To every guy. No guy looks at me and thinks, I'm bringing her home to mom shes girlfriend material. No. they ALL look at me and think ssscccooorrreeeeee. for some reason, even before I say a friggen word, I could be dressed in sweats, and I'm still ALWAYS looked at like a piece of ass. And thats just more pain. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me, theres obviously something. Will I always be this way? Am I destined to be nothing more than everyones booty call? Why me?
It hurts. I dont think anyone realizes it, but something like that, hurts. And it kills your self esteem. So all this hurt and pain, and I still can't figure out how to put those walls back up.
But somethings gotta change. I can't get knocked down too much more and expect to keep putting myself back together. And I can't keep thinking I want someone to want to be there while I put the pieces together. I need to do this for myself, by myself. I need to learn how to be the cold hearted bitch I used to be, and apparently people think I still am. Im not a toy and im done being played with.
Its time for change.

Scared to let go

I'm holding onto john so tightly, trying so desperately to not lose those memories, feelings, to not give up, to not let him give up. And why? For what? I KNOW we were toxic. I know things between us were a time bomb of good moments waiting for the next fight, repeat. I know unless he did some serious changing there was no future between us. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, someone whose not so afraid of admitting they care about me. Someone whose not terrified of running into someone they know every time we were in public together. So why? Why do I hold on so strongly to that. Why am I so afraid of letting go?
Well thats just it. I am afraid. I'm afraid every time I care about someone, they're going to leave. I'm afraid im never going to be good enough. I wasn't good enough to make gage happy, I wasn't good enough to make john keep his guard down longer than 5 minutes. Theres just something about me that can't make people happy. And I hate that. I should be good enough as me.
I trailed off a little bit there. I'm afraid of letting someone else in. john knew everything. My whole past. He was there for all of the struggles. He didn't judge me for it. Just for other things. And now that I'm trying to open up to someone else, and hes running scared, it makes me terrified of opening up again. It makes me feel like a basket case. It once again makes me feel not good enough.
I'm terrified of letting someone in, and they use that to hurt me. Im terrified of hurting someone I care about.
But mostly, the biggest reason I can't let go, I'm TERRIFIED of being alone. Finding someone that accepts even the vast majority of me is difficult. Finding someone to accept that I have kids is difficult. Finding someone that accepts both of those, I'm starting to think is impossible. And I don't want to be alone. Its not that I can't handle being alone, I certainly can, its that I dont want to. I want love and happiness. I want to wake up every morning and look over and be insanely happy, lucky, and grateful to be waking up next to someone. I want to be able to look in someones eyes and be able to tell they love me as much as I love them. I want to miss them when they're gone and look forward to seeing them. I want to know someone feels the same about me. I want to know I matter to someone. That I'm wanted. And I'm terrified of not finding that.
And its not something I need right this minute, but I also dont want to waste my time on guys that thats not there with. And I know its not with john. I don't need to meet someone today and get married tomorrow, no. I don't want to rush into that because I need to know its real. But I'm so scared of never finding a guy that wants that with me. Im so scared I'm never going to be good enough, that I'm always going to be too much to handle, that nobodies ever going to look at me and think, its worth getting past all that to discover me. And it makes me sad. Because I know beneath my fucked up, cold, bitchy surface, im insanely caring and compassionate. I know how amazing I can be once I let you in. I know that me is worth something, and it makes me so sad and feel so low to know that nobody thinks its worth getting past the surface. It makes me feel really shitty. like I'm just too screwed up. Not worth it. Not good enough. Like theres something wrong with me. Its a horrible feeling.
Coming into this post, I knew exactly how it needed to end: the title of my freakin blog is let it go, and my damn side says feed your dreams starve your fears. I need to listen to myself and do those things. Let john go, let the past go, its the only way I can be open for better. Stop being scared  and start going after what I want.
But right now, I just feel low.

2013, you suck

Sugar dies in a very heart breaking way.
Haley gets let outside, knowing theres coyotes where I live, its been a week and shes still gone.
I get arrested.
I lose pretty much any chance of winning custody if I decide to leave florida.
I can't move out of my moms house.
I lost every friend I thought I had.
The realization of how alone I am is made very evident.
I lose any chance of gaining back a friendship because of my job, seriously?
My precious car goes bye bye.
Got banned from going to a place.
Had my engagement ring stolen along with other less valuable crap.

We're only in march, and all this has happened? Not my year at all.

Feeling unworthy

Uugghh I guess let me start off by saying, I'm not sober, so apologies in advance, I don't proof read.
Tonight, im feeling so unbelievably unworthy, not good enough, rejected, doomed to be alone forever. Nobody can handle me. I have too much baggage for anyone. Im a tiny package but I come with alot. some is good, but some not  so much. my good qualities make me so unique of a person, but apparently my bad qualities are enough to crush all of that.
My attitude is too much, my personality is too much, my past is too much.
I feel so inadequit, like just trying to be me isnt good enough.
I feel like im going to be impossible for anyone to ever love.
All of this, it makes me feel broken.

The break up, and a few other things

I can't sleep. Tonight is the first time I have shared this blog with someone, because I want him to know where I come from. and that was terrifying, letting someone I barely know so deep into my life. But it also made me for the first time, go back through and reread everything outside of a mood. It was dark. I'm much better now. I still slip and struggle and have my moments, but thats part of healing from something like this. I'm going to have those moments where life gets me and I have to remember how to deal. But the reason I know I'm better, I can pick myself back up. I started drinking again. When I started having my "moments". Bad idea. Its just hard when I'm trying to make friends and its hheeyy lets go downtown, saying hheeyyyyy I really shouldn't drink, its just not something I want to explain to everyone.
me and john broke up, about a month ago. He broke up with me. He says I'm untrustworthy. I'm too flirty. He doesn't believe me when I honestly say I wasn't doing anything. But it was also that he felt like he wasn't making me happy, so he wasn't happy. Its been hard to let go, I know I'm better off without him, but it still hurts. I wish for nothing but the best for him I truly do want him happy. I know on the outside hes a shitty person, but he helped me with so much, regardless of the amount of pain he put on me I still want whats best for him.
Me and gage, still not getting along.
Me and the rest of the world, pretty non existent. I still do my best to alienate myself for some reason. I want to be cared about and know someone is there for me, but after john, I'm terrified of feeling inadequit again, not good enough, not worthy. The rejection hurts, so I guess I figure I'd rather not give anyone the chance. But thats stupid. If anything, I'm the one that needs the chance, not them.
I dont need someone to save me and rescue me, I dont need to be someones project, I dont need to be taken care of. I need to know I'm not alone while I take care save and rescue myself. I need to know I can do it myself. But I dont want to be alone.
God I hope I don't get insomnia again.