The break up, and a few other things

I can't sleep. Tonight is the first time I have shared this blog with someone, because I want him to know where I come from. and that was terrifying, letting someone I barely know so deep into my life. But it also made me for the first time, go back through and reread everything outside of a mood. It was dark. I'm much better now. I still slip and struggle and have my moments, but thats part of healing from something like this. I'm going to have those moments where life gets me and I have to remember how to deal. But the reason I know I'm better, I can pick myself back up. I started drinking again. When I started having my "moments". Bad idea. Its just hard when I'm trying to make friends and its hheeyy lets go downtown, saying hheeyyyyy I really shouldn't drink, its just not something I want to explain to everyone.
me and john broke up, about a month ago. He broke up with me. He says I'm untrustworthy. I'm too flirty. He doesn't believe me when I honestly say I wasn't doing anything. But it was also that he felt like he wasn't making me happy, so he wasn't happy. Its been hard to let go, I know I'm better off without him, but it still hurts. I wish for nothing but the best for him I truly do want him happy. I know on the outside hes a shitty person, but he helped me with so much, regardless of the amount of pain he put on me I still want whats best for him.
Me and gage, still not getting along.
Me and the rest of the world, pretty non existent. I still do my best to alienate myself for some reason. I want to be cared about and know someone is there for me, but after john, I'm terrified of feeling inadequit again, not good enough, not worthy. The rejection hurts, so I guess I figure I'd rather not give anyone the chance. But thats stupid. If anything, I'm the one that needs the chance, not them.
I dont need someone to save me and rescue me, I dont need to be someones project, I dont need to be taken care of. I need to know I'm not alone while I take care save and rescue myself. I need to know I can do it myself. But I dont want to be alone.
God I hope I don't get insomnia again.