Scared to let go

I'm holding onto john so tightly, trying so desperately to not lose those memories, feelings, to not give up, to not let him give up. And why? For what? I KNOW we were toxic. I know things between us were a time bomb of good moments waiting for the next fight, repeat. I know unless he did some serious changing there was no future between us. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, someone whose not so afraid of admitting they care about me. Someone whose not terrified of running into someone they know every time we were in public together. So why? Why do I hold on so strongly to that. Why am I so afraid of letting go?
Well thats just it. I am afraid. I'm afraid every time I care about someone, they're going to leave. I'm afraid im never going to be good enough. I wasn't good enough to make gage happy, I wasn't good enough to make john keep his guard down longer than 5 minutes. Theres just something about me that can't make people happy. And I hate that. I should be good enough as me.
I trailed off a little bit there. I'm afraid of letting someone else in. john knew everything. My whole past. He was there for all of the struggles. He didn't judge me for it. Just for other things. And now that I'm trying to open up to someone else, and hes running scared, it makes me terrified of opening up again. It makes me feel like a basket case. It once again makes me feel not good enough.
I'm terrified of letting someone in, and they use that to hurt me. Im terrified of hurting someone I care about.
But mostly, the biggest reason I can't let go, I'm TERRIFIED of being alone. Finding someone that accepts even the vast majority of me is difficult. Finding someone to accept that I have kids is difficult. Finding someone that accepts both of those, I'm starting to think is impossible. And I don't want to be alone. Its not that I can't handle being alone, I certainly can, its that I dont want to. I want love and happiness. I want to wake up every morning and look over and be insanely happy, lucky, and grateful to be waking up next to someone. I want to be able to look in someones eyes and be able to tell they love me as much as I love them. I want to miss them when they're gone and look forward to seeing them. I want to know someone feels the same about me. I want to know I matter to someone. That I'm wanted. And I'm terrified of not finding that.
And its not something I need right this minute, but I also dont want to waste my time on guys that thats not there with. And I know its not with john. I don't need to meet someone today and get married tomorrow, no. I don't want to rush into that because I need to know its real. But I'm so scared of never finding a guy that wants that with me. Im so scared I'm never going to be good enough, that I'm always going to be too much to handle, that nobodies ever going to look at me and think, its worth getting past all that to discover me. And it makes me sad. Because I know beneath my fucked up, cold, bitchy surface, im insanely caring and compassionate. I know how amazing I can be once I let you in. I know that me is worth something, and it makes me so sad and feel so low to know that nobody thinks its worth getting past the surface. It makes me feel really shitty. like I'm just too screwed up. Not worth it. Not good enough. Like theres something wrong with me. Its a horrible feeling.
Coming into this post, I knew exactly how it needed to end: the title of my freakin blog is let it go, and my damn side says feed your dreams starve your fears. I need to listen to myself and do those things. Let john go, let the past go, its the only way I can be open for better. Stop being scared  and start going after what I want.
But right now, I just feel low.