I'm putting a lock on this heart of mine.

I've been hurt. Alot. Over my life, but mostly, over this past year. Not 2013, although as stated it does suck. But these past 12 months have really sucked a fat one. I used to be this strong, heartless girl, that would crush a boy in a heartbeat before I even considered letting them hurt me. I would break up with a boy the second things got mushy. I dumped a kid I actually kind of liked because he bought me a piece of jewelry that said love, and it freaked me out. On valentines day. That was the type of person I was. I didn't allow myself to care, I had these giant fortress of walls up, and even letting friends in was a challenge. Then I fell in love with gage. granted it took some time, some running, some breakups, but eventually, it happened. On valentines day. The irony. Anyways, once I let those walls down, it's like I forgot how to put them back up. It wasn't an effort when they originally went up, I was just wired that way, I'd seen too much in my young life, it hardened me. but knocking those walls down for gage, it opened up a field of hurt. It allowed anyone to just waltz into my life and do as they please. While I stood. Like a naive idiot. Because I developed optimism and hope and the want for love and happiness and relationships. These things that should be great that I so badly wanted, they allowed everything else to come in. like opening the gates to hell. I got hurt by gage. I'm over it, I've learned to deal and accept, but ultimately the hurt is still there. I hurt myself by hurting gage and our family. I got hurt by people I considered friends, not caring one way or another if I existed. I got hurt by john. I'm still hurt by john. I still hurt every day. But yet I still find myself missing him. with each realization of how not good enough, not pretty enough, not tame enough, not wild enough, not enough not enough not enough I am to him, I get hurt and hurt and hurt. Each time I think, yes, I'm ready, I want a relationship, I want to find love, I want my happily ever after, I just get more and more hurt, because to every guy I meet, im not good enough. To every guy. No guy looks at me and thinks, I'm bringing her home to mom shes girlfriend material. No. they ALL look at me and think ssscccooorrreeeeee. for some reason, even before I say a friggen word, I could be dressed in sweats, and I'm still ALWAYS looked at like a piece of ass. And thats just more pain. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me, theres obviously something. Will I always be this way? Am I destined to be nothing more than everyones booty call? Why me?
It hurts. I dont think anyone realizes it, but something like that, hurts. And it kills your self esteem. So all this hurt and pain, and I still can't figure out how to put those walls back up.
But somethings gotta change. I can't get knocked down too much more and expect to keep putting myself back together. And I can't keep thinking I want someone to want to be there while I put the pieces together. I need to do this for myself, by myself. I need to learn how to be the cold hearted bitch I used to be, and apparently people think I still am. Im not a toy and im done being played with.
Its time for change.