Returning

Its been awhile since I last wrote. Theres some entries elsewhere I need to add to here once I get around to it. Briefly I kind of just want to sum up the inbetweens...
I went to Ringling, and had to withdraw shortly after starting from the financial burden and pressure put on me by gage. I moved back in with my mom with the kids while gage lives with my sister. I quit my job. And now I'm on to restarting my life journey.
I realized that theres SO many people in my life that don't actually want to be here, or feed off my misery to make themselves feel better. I dont want people like that as part of my life. I want people that I know actually want to be here, so I can ultimately be surrounded by loving positive circumstances, situations, and people.
I realized something while taking a shower tonight. Not necessarily something, but more so a different perspective. So many people, particularly gage, look at me and my situation and what im going through and they either dont want to or 'can't' understand what it is I'm going through. They think I'm making it up, its not a real issue. Then more so they don't understand why I had to take it so far, why I had to hit rock bottom, why I couldn't just snap out of it.
Well I thought of a better way to answer the why and try to provide a better perspective to the people that 'cant' get it:
When a bomb destroys part of a building, and the foundation is destroyed and crumbling and everything else around it is getting ready to collapse, you dont try to rebuild it. You knock the rest down and start from scratch, make something better and stronger.
I dont want to rebuild myself. I dont want  to be the same battered building taped together. I want to start over, build myself from the ground up on a sturdier foundation. In order to build something truly magnificent, I first have to destroy what was in the way. Which was everything about myself. and I can honestly look at my crumbled mess, and while right now I'm on an emotional roller coaster and everything truly is a mess, I can look around at the rubble around me and know that its time. Its time to start building something magnificent.
I had a time frame and a plan on when I was going to do everything, but I dont want to wait anymore. I'm ready now. I'm ready to be happy again and know that what I have around me is real. I'm ready to move onto new bigger better things and be a better, completly different person. I'm ready to shock the world in a good way. I don't know exactly what I want out of myself yet, I do still need my retreat for that, but I know the beginning path, and thats all you need to see, whats directly in front of you.
I'm ready and I'm excited.

Life as I know it now

As far as the depression is concerned, I've been doing MUCH much better. But in it's place is super anxiety and stress. I guess apparently people at work have noticed I'm always alot more stressed out and the whole anxiety thing, one person pointed out I look like I'm having panic attacks sometimes...so that sucks. But it's alot easier to handle than the depression. That's not all the way gone, it just doesn't hold as much of a presence in my life. It's not like a the world is over my life sucks I can't do this anymore feeling, it's become more of a fuck...this sucks feeling. School is 16 days away. And it's a HUGE stress. Financially. We still only have 1 car between the 2 of us, and my school is an hour away. Trying to arrange transportation so that he can still go to work, its stressful. Then there's the wholeeee I have to come up with an extra $1000 a month for my tuition thing, when we're already so behind on bills. It doesn't make sense as to why we're so behind on bills and having such a hard time catching up, but its just the way that it is right now. And that extra $1000, it's an enormous stress. It makes me feel like I'm such a burden. Then we're going to have to put Alara in daycare, and the daycare that Taya goes to doesn't accept under 2 year olds, so they're going to have to go to different schools because we don't want to transfer Taya, plus the added cost of putting a 1 year old in daycare. It's all very stressful, and obviously my fault since I'm the one going to school, so I feel very responsible for all this added stress.

Plus I've been feeling guilty about the whole you know, tearing my family apart because I was too unhappy thing. I don't regret my decision to do so, I was absolutely miserable and sooner or later it was bound to happen, things weren't going to get fixed if I just kept on pretending like I was happy. But with the holidays approaching, knowing that we're not going to be together for it and be able to do all our little traditions and we're going to have to split everything up, it fucking sucks. It's a very heavy guilt on my shoulders knowing that I did that to my kids. Gage says I shouldn't carry that guilt, but of course I do. How could I not? How can anyone live with the fact that they tore their home apart. 

I'm very nervous about everything with school. I'm very nervous as to how it's going to work out. I havn't bought any of my school supplies, because they're all specialty items since it's art school, and the supply kit is $400...so I'm just...I'm so nervous about everything. I know everything always finds a way and works itself out, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I'm picking up as much shifts as I can right now, but it's like every penny that comes in instantly has to go out, nothings actually getting saved and set aside for school. Ugh. We need something big to happen....and soon.

An Explanation

 So. A lot of people don’t know what’s going on with me, what’s going on with me and Gage, or anything about anything that has happened. Because it’s not really their business, and we havn’t been ready to talk. Well as far as me and Gage are concerned, we’re ready to talk, we’ve just been waiting until things were better between me and my sister, so we could do all the talking at once. Since I don’t see that happening, I don’t know, I think I’m just going to say you know what, screw you, I’m getting this out there, and you can find out like everyone else. The few people that do have some sort of insight as to what’s been going on, they don’t know the reasoning, they don’t understand why this has all happened. The only people that know that is me and Gage, and his understanding probably isn’t all there. So this is my side of things, my part of the story, the reason as to why I got to this point, what ultimately led to EVERYTHING that has happened. Hold onto your whitie tighties boys and girls, this is going to be a long one…

I have depression. If you’re reading this from my blog, you already know that. But if you’re a friend or acquaintance reading this because I made it available to you to read it, then you may not have known that. But I have depression. I’ve had it for quite some time. While I was pregnant I had it a little bit, it got worse when Alara was about 4 months old, and got really bad when she was about 6 months old. She’s know almost 11 months. I’ve seen a therapist once, and she told me I’m all kinds of screwed up J Thanks. No I’m not on medication, I can’t afford it. I would gladly be on it though, because I hate feeling this way. I’ve had my ups and my downs. I have my good days and my bad days. My bad days consist of I don’t want to live, nothing in the world matters, and the only thing between me and jumping off the Veterans bridge is my kids. The ONLY thing. And on my REALLY bad days, even that’s hard to hold onto. Bad days are like a black out, nothing matters, the house could be burning down around me and nothing would matter. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. My mild days, I’m just in a fog, I’m aware of everything, I just don’t really feel like doing anything, I just want to sleep it all away. And then my good days, I’m me. I’m the same person I’ve always been. I’m fully functional, I can laugh, I can have a good time. I never really have a GREAT time, I don’t really get like overly excited or anything, that hasn’t happened in quite a while, but I kind of just consider that as being me. Normal. Depression is not an excuse for anything, like some people want to say, but it does affect every part of my life. My day can go from being great to being dreadful on the flip of a switch. It does alter my way of thinking at times. It affects every aspect of every thing. But you don’t have to treat me differently. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. You don’t have to treat me like I’m broken. Because I’m aware of when people make that change, it’s instant, you hear I have depression and it’s like I’m this fragile doll. Don’t do that fucking shit I want to punch your face off. Don’t apologize either. You didn’t make me this way. There’s nothing you can do to fix it. So what are you apologizing for? Don’t apologize for shit that ain’t your fault, EVER.

Second. Me and Gage are broken up. This has been for about a month now. That is ultimately what this post is about, what led to that.

You may want to take a pee break here…

The story begins about 4 years ago. As we all know me and Gage have been together for 6 years. And people that know us personally, know the beginning was VERY rocky. Breaking up all the time, fighting all the time, typical teenage relationship really. Well about 4 years ago, maybe 5, I’m not actually sure I try not to keep track, I moved, making us have to be in a long distance relationship. And yes I do mean making us, I basically forced him into that shit. Uuuggghhhh I hate reliving this. Shortly after I moved away, and I do mean shortly, he started seeing someone else. I found out about this about 6 months after it started. So for about 6 months, Gage had a full on relationship with someone else. He loved her even. His family loved her, hated me. His friends loved her, hated me. His friends flat out lied to my face when I would question them, because I had my suspicions. I don’t remember how I found out, I think I saw in his phone that while I was with him he received a text from someone and then went into the bathroom and called her. I also remember that shortly after I found out and started putting the pieces together, I realized that one of the times that I went to visit him and I asked him to stay longer, and he couldn’t because he was grounded or some shit like that and wasn’t even supposed to be with me, he actually had to go to her graduation. I was visiting for my birthday. So that fucking sucked. Anyways, I found out about this whole affair thing in May. I got pregnant with Taya around June. I found out I was pregnant with Taya around August. I didn’t really get the chance to heal from this happening, we were barely together when I found out I was pregnant with Taya, then we had to deal with being 17 years old and being pregnant. There wasn’t really time to deal with that happening. I forgave, but I never forgot. We didn’t mention it really after that. It was obviously a sore subject. It still is. It still greatly is. It affected me, for years, up until very very very recently. It haunted me. I would think about it all the time. I would have nightmares about it, dreams about it, day dreams about it, everything. I was horrified while living in the city that we would run into her. It made it unbearable to live there. We didn’t have sex for 6 months after I had Taya. And even after that, it was still very rare that we would have sex. I always blamed it on it hurting, which it did, but it hurt more than physically, it hurt mentally. It was hard to get my head into it, to not think about what had happened, even though at this point it was so long ago. I just couldn’t let go, I couldn’t forget, I couldn’t move on. It truly did haunt me. It even got to a point where I would think about it so much, I would get disgusted when he would touch me. I would get turned off and repulsed and have to turn away. And we’re talking very recent with these feelings, so years after it all happened, I still could not just move on from it. You could only imagine that over the years, this would eventually break a person down. I couldn’t help when I would think about her or think about the situation, nothing triggered it, it kind of just happened. And I never told him. I never told him it was bothering me. I never told him I still thought about it. I never told anyone. I just tried to push it away and force it down and try to bury it because I knew that bringing that up would hurt. It would hurt both of us. And I didn’t want to deal with that, I thought I could just make it go away. I thought with time I could make myself forget. Force myself to forget. Then one day I realized I couldn’t. I couldn’t force those thoughts away, they were there, she was still there, still haunting me, still haunting our relationship. It made our sex life suck. I couldn’t get my mind into it, so I couldn’t get my body into it, so it would just be so uncomfortable. So we would just rarely have sex. That breaks down a relationship. And he was so supportive about that, because he knew it physically was uncomfortable and hurt, and he was so supportive and great about that, but I know it was hard on him, he is afterall a guy. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t move on from his affair. Eventually, after not really having sex, and then never really going on dates, it all kind of fell apart. I fell out of love. The sparks were gone. The passion was gone. The chemistry was gone. The excitement was gone. It was basically like we were just roommates who happened to be best friends who happened to have 2 kids together. But there was no romance. I’m pretty sure there was a damn near year period where I didn’t say I love you to him. Because we would talk about very small things, and he knew I was falling out of love, he knew that it wasn’t there. He didn’t know why. He just knew it wasn’t there. And he knew I felt uncomfortable saying I love you if I didn’t mean it. That was hard. And it hurt. For both of us, not just for him like you would think. It was hard for me to not love him. To not be in love with him. Specially when everywhere I looked, every time someone met him, they would tell me how great he is and how lucky I was. I knew that. I still know that. I know he’s one of a kind. But that isn’t enough to be IN love with someone. Having kids isn’t enough to be IN love with someone. None of it was enough to make all the bad things go away. It wasn’t enough to make me forget. But through it all, I was still looking at wedding stuff. I was still trying on dresses and deciding on things. Eventually one day, it donned on me… I was planning a wedding, for someone I wasn’t in love with. I was planning a wedding with someone who had no idea how I was feeling or what I was thinking. I was planning a wedding with someone who had no idea his past actions still hurt every day. I was planning a wedding, and I felt trapped. I felt like this was it for me, this was the rest of my life. I was going to be in this loveless marriage for the rest of my life. I was 22 years old, and felt like I was 40, and that was going to be the rest of my life. My life was over. I looked at the future, and I saw nothing exciting. I saw the same routine, every single day, nothing ever changing. And I couldn’t take that. It broke me down. I didn’t want my life to be like that forever. I didn’t want my life to be over. I didn’t want to know that it was going nowhere and that I had to stay on this monotonous road. It freaked me out. It scared the living shit out of me. And so then all these other thoughts and emotions started rushing in: I didn’t have a childhood. My childhood consisted of modeling and acting and dance, and while now I’m grateful for that, I fucking hated it too. I didn’t get to just be a kid. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t do normal kid activities. I didn’t have preteen years. My mom had my youngest brother when I was 12. And from that day forward, I was the second parent. I helped raise him. At 12 years old, I was the parent in the house. My mom god bless her was a single mom to 4 kids. That’s heavy duty. But she wasn’t there very often. She worked 3^rd shift and slept all day. My sister was too selfish to step up, so I felt like I had no choice, I had to take on the responsibility, I had to cook, I had to clean, I had to change diapers, I had to take care of everyone else. I gave up everything to make sure that everyone else was taken care of. I didn’t have teenage years. I was still taking care of my little brother, helping to raise him. And then I had some drama with my sister, so that affected everything whether she likes to realize that or not. It took a toll on all of us. Not only was I this young kid in highschool trying to find my way, I was also still making sure my family was taken care of, and I was always having to watch my back, and make sure nobody was fucking with my family. I RARELY went out in highschool. I had few friends. I didn’t get to experience much of those highschool years. All the while, while going through all of this, I was putting EVERYONE before me. My family came first. Their needs came first. I made sure everyone else was taken care of. And it took me years to realize, while I was making sure everyone else was taken care of, nobody was taking care of me. Nobody was making sure I was fine. And while back then I thought I was fine, I can look back now and realize I wasn’t fine. That was a huge burden. And my moms addressed it, she’s expressed her gratitude and that she doesn’t know where we’d all be if I wasn’t there to help out, and it’s kind of like, I don’t know. All I can say is whatever. And I know that’s lame, but for me it is whatever. I felt like I had no choice. Someone had to step up. I wasn’t going to leave my family screwed. I wasn’t going to let it fall apart. I had to make sure everyone was taken care of, even if that meant putting myself last. And back then, I didn’t care. I figured as long as everyone else was fine, I would be fine. I didn’t realize the toll it would eventually take on me. But then my young adult life, I had my own kids. So sitting in my closet one night, crying for no apparent reason, I realized all of this. That I hadn’t had the chance to live my own life. I had my whole life taken away from me. I spent my whole life taking care of everyone else. And the whole rest of my life I was going to spend taking care of everyone else. I never had a life. I never had a chance to live. I never had a chance to fuck up. I never had a chance to learn from my mistakes, because I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. I never had a chance to do anything that a normal kid should be allowed to do. Like I said, I felt like my life was over, I was going nowhere else. All of this, all of this collectively, I snapped. It became too much. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with knowing that this was it for me. Anytime I even remotely expressed this to someone, that I just wanted live and make mistakes and fucking experience life, I was told too bad. I wasn’t allowed. Do you have any idea how aggravating that is?! For people over and over and over again to tell me I’m not allowed to live my own life and make my own mistakes and freaking grow? I felt so lost. I didn’t know who the hell I was anymore. I still don’t know who I am. I don’t know me. I’ve spent so long taking care of everyone else, that along the way I was trampled on and crushed and broken down into this nothingness, this empty shell, this robot that took care of things. I wasn’t my own person. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, all these plans that I had made I was questioning. I was questioning every direction that I was going. And all of this just weighed so heavily on me. It was so much. I felt smothered and suffocated and I would start thinking about all of this and start thinking about the future and I would literally just get to the point where I felt like I was drowning, I felt so overwhelmed, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I just felt over and empty and dead. That’s terrifying. That’s the point where I snapped and I decided to say fuck this shit, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take this feeling of being over and of having nothing and being nothing. I couldn’t take knowing that this was it. It was too much it was too heavy. I had to figure things out. I had to figure my life out. I had to figure out who I was.

I tried to explain this to Gage. That I didn’t know who I was anymore, that I felt like my life was over, that I felt so consumed by things. He didn’t understand, and I cant really blame him, but I also don’t know how hard he tried to understand. I asked him for a break, for time to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. Because not only did I not really get to live, I also had never really had other relationships. He was my only serious relationship that I had ever had. I didn’t know what else was out there. I didn’t know any of that. How can I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person that I’m not even in love with if I don’t even know what the hell else is out there? I just felt like none of it was enough. I needed more. I needed answers. I needed time. I needed experiences. I needed a break. I needed time to figure out what I wanted out of life and figure out who I was. He couldn’t give that to me. He said I had to commit 100% to him, or nothing at all. I couldn’t do that. I know he doesn’t understand it, but to me, I cant commit 100% to you if I’m not in love with you and I don’t know if I want to be with you. That’s not 100%. It just wasn’t fare to him. I can’t give you my all, if I don’t know what my all is and I don’t know what I want out of life. I can’t figure that out if I’m attached to you either. It just wasn’t right. It’s not what I needed. So we broke up.

I’m trying to figure out who I am. What I want. Where I’m going. I don’t know when that’ll be. I don’t know when I’ll be better. I don’t know when I’ll know what I want. I know I can’t do it alone. I know I can’t do it until I’m on medicine and in a better mindset. And I don’t think I can do it still living with Gage. But the thought of not living with him, I don’t know. I feel like it’d be too much, it’d be too overwhelming. It gets very hard living with eachother, but at the same time, it’s the only comfort and security I have, and at times I feel like the only thing keeping my grounded. I still love Gage. I always will. But I’m not in love. And its not fair to be with someone your not in love with. He deserves better. It hurts to see him talking to someone else. It hurts to know when he’s out with her. And that usually drives me in the other direction. But I do still love him. And I do hope that one day I can get all of this figured out and I can get better and we can fix this. But in the meantime, we’re working on building a friendship. We realize that we can’t just simply pick up where things left off just because we miss eachother. That can never go back. Right now, it’s making sure we’re there for our kids, and that I get the help that I need, and that we can learn to function independently, and build a foundation to grow. Build a friendship that works. And then if that happens to lead into more, it will come with time. All of this has to come with time. But first, I need to figure my life out. I need to have my life. And that is going to include a long bumpy road of making mistakes to figure out what I want. This breakup could very well be a mistake, but it’s what has to be done in order to figure out the rest of my life. I need to grow some. I’ve already grown some, I’ve crashed and burned, and I think it was good for me. I went through it alone, but that’s probably a good thing.

It’s going to be a long long long road from here. Full of who the hell knows what. I need to build myself, and that’s going to involve some messy times. But I’m doing that with few people in my life, I know who matters. I know my choice in friends is questionable to those around me, but if those people that are questioning my actions, stopped and looked and saw the bigger picture, they would see that I’m doing everything I’m doing on my own account. Because I want to. Because I need to. Because I need to learn from it. I’m not putting myself in danger. I’m not putting my kids in danger. I’m not doing anything to hurt anyone. My friends and the people that I hang out with, truly aren’t influencing me. I choose to do every “questionable” thing that I’ve done, not them. But also stop and realize, that those people know what’s going on in my life. They know about my depression. They know about the breakup. They know about a lot. And they’ve stood by my side and just want me to be happy. Can you say the same for everybody else? I can’t.

Family = Drama

6/30/12 10:06 AM

Morning post for a change, that's weird. I didn't really sleep last night. Well, kind of, but not really. I half ass fell asleep around 6:30. I kept dozing off slightly between about 4:30 and 6:30, but didn't remotely actually fall asleep til 6:30...the baby woke up at 7:45. Yeah. And I got up. So I'm running on an hour of sleep. I know the smart thing will be to try to stay awake all day, and then hopefully I'll just be too damn tired that I have to go to bed early, and can get on a good schedule, but here's my problem with that: I only have decaf coffee. I get VERY irritable when I'm tired and have ZERO patience. Gage goes to work at 5, and won't be home til about 2 AM. That is a LONG time to be by myself, exhausted. Yesterday wasn't too bad, he was home between 12 and 2, Taya was still at daycare until about 5, so it was just Alara, and she wasn't too bad. But I had taken a nap, kind of, so I was able to deal. Except for the drama that happened last night, which is the whole reason I got on to write.

My family. We are just a freaking nonstop full circle of drama. We're all just drama prone queens. And as soon as one person is involved, the whole damn family is involved. My sister posted on my facebook yesterday inviting us over to her house for the 4th. Now, that's all fine and dandy, but there was still not an apology in that invite forrrrrrrr blasting my facebook calling me a whore all over the place, putting my business out there when I didn't want anyone knowing anything about the breakup, shit half my "friends" still don't know, oh yeah and for TELLING GAGE TO TAKE MY FREAKING KIDS AND LEAVE ME! Who the hell does that to their family? I just felt so betrayed by her, specially considering I have ALWAYS been there for her, whether she realized it or not, which she doesn't, because that was part of our argument. So I didn't exactly respond very nicely. I told her I'm not doing shit until I get an apology, and that includes coming over for her little party. I know my sister, hell I know my family. What would have happened if I didn't say anything and just simply went over there is, she would have pretended like everything was okay, the issue would never have been addressed, and everything would have been swept under the rug like it always is. I can't do that anymore. Pretending like everything is fine, and ignoring all the problems, is what led me to this point, I can't knowingly keep on putting myself back in that situation. I need to let things go. It's hard as hell, way easier said than done, but this is not something I can let go. You don't do that to your family. She feels completely justified for her actions, even though Gage, our mother, and her fiance are all telling her she's wrong and needs to apologize. Yes now they're also =telling me that I need to apologize for blowing up on her like that, but no. She doesn't have the right to treat me like that. And then so my mother decides to join in on the conversation. Oh boy what fun. Courtney wants to sit there and say that I was never there for her and that I was always talking shit about her and putting her business out there and running my mouth. I have countless people that can whole heartedly 100% say that is the absolute total opposite. Anytime anyone ever said anything about my sister, because she put us through alot of hell in highschool to make people talk, I was the FIRST person to step up and tell people to shut up, and if they didn't I was making them shut up. I cannot even begin to tell you how many asses I had to kick in her defense. And because she was too busy running away from her problems, pretending like they didn't exist, putting us through more hell, she never saw that. I hated my sister growing up. But it didn't matter if we had gotten into a fight that morning before school, if someone said something about her at school, I didn't care how pissed I still was at her, she came first. And for her to totally betray me and say that I've never been there for her and that I don't deserve to have my children, that's unforgivable, specially when she doesn't even want to apologize. And then she yells at my mom saying that standing up for me is enabling my behavior, which by the way by my behavior she's talking about my depression and lashing out on everyone. She knows full well what it is like to have to go through something alone, what it's like to be depressed, and what it's like to be attacked. So for her to sit there and say that people are enabling me to use my depression as an excuse, is beyond crazy. She doesn't know anything about our breakup, she doesn't know what I was feeling, she doesn't know what I was going through, she doesn't know what point I reached before I couldn't take it anymore, So she has no right to say that she is justified for what she says and that I'm being enabled. Yes I have depression. Yes when I get into one of my "moods" nothing matters in the world. But I have in no way EVER done anything to affect my children. Yes I go out and I drink and I don't come home until 4 in the morning, but I'm not coming home until 4 in the morning because I'm making sure I'm sober enough to drive and if not I'm staying where I know I'm safe. So how the hell am I being irresponsible and harming my kids, if even through a freaking bout of depression I'm still smart enough to make sure I'm good enough to drive? And if I'm not in a mood, then I'm perfectly aware of everything I'm still me. It's all still there. It just disappears very easily and gets clouded. But I'm still fully capable of knowing the difference between whats real and fake, whats wrong and whats right, whats good and bad, and every other freaking thing out there. She's not even trying to understand what I'm going through.

I'm pretty sure this was just a giant jumbled rambled mess. I don't know what I'm going to do as far as that situation with her goes. Me and Gage decided when we made our plans on how to proceed with things, that we would sit down 1 time and explain our situation to our family and friends, get it all out there, both sides, at the same time, answer what questions we could, and then be done wit hit. And we havn't done that yet because I havn't been talking to my sister. So pretty much right now at this point what I'm thinking is going to be the best thing to do, is go over there on the 4th, have that little talk because my whole family will be there, and then leave. I'm not sitting around for the party and feeling uncomfortable all day, I can't really handle social situations to begin with. That's the best I can do right now. And they will have to accept that.

On another note. I'm so confused. So confused. I love Gage, of course I do. I always will. It's not the loving him that's the problem, it's the being IN love with him that's the problem. And I miss him. I hope that we can one day work this out and get back together, that's like the huge giant reason I don't want a relationship with John and don't want to date, because I don't want that chance of things completely ending with Gage. But I get so unsure about what he wants, if he still hangs onto that hope, or if it is really over for him. Sometimes I think there is still hope, and others I think I could be dead and it wouldn't matter to you. This is so unhealthy. I feel like it would be so much easier if I sucked it up and lived with my mom, but I also feel like it'd be so much harder.. I feel like we would never talk and that we would fall apart, not to mention hardly ever seeing my girls. I kind of feel like staying living together, is my last little dangling thread holding onto everything. I wish I could go back in time and just find a way to suck it up and get through our issues and forget everything and just force myself to be happy and feel the way that I should. But it's just not right. So I don't know.

UGH. How obvious is it my mind is a blur today...

Jealousy

6/29/12 1:31 AM

I’ve been handling things a little bit better since last writing. I’ve had a few moments here and there, but nothing too unbearable. The biggest thing is jealousy. The jealousy is killing me. Everything Gage picks up his phone, I want to hurl it across the room. It doesn’t matter who he’s actually texting, I always just assume it’s either the fucking skank or the fat bitch. The mere thought of him talking to either one of them, it just instantly pisses me off. I go through his phone. Pretty much every night. I know it’s wrong of me, but I have to. I have to know what’s going on between him and the fucking skank, how he’s feeling, how she’s feeling, if things are at all progressing. It hurts sometimes, I’ve seen some upsetting things, nothing too bad but given the situation still upsetting, but not hurting, and always wondering, hurts a lot more, in a different way. And it’s not like I can just come right out and ask hhheeeyyyy what’s going on between you and your fucking skank, because then I would have to address the whole I go through your phone thing. Except I slightly got busted today. Yesterday, I copied their numbers into my phone. For no particular reason, yet, I just wanted to have them, incase one day things get a little too serious between them and I get a little too pissed, I can be a raging jealous bitch and that would come in handy. Well he had to use my phone today to switch his phone number over, and saw in the recent calls list that I quickly dialed those numbers to save them into my phone. So then he obviously asked why I had their numbers saved. And he said he doesn’t want me meddling in that stuff, because I’m being a hypocrite anyways. Which I told him I’m completely aware of, but that at the same time I’m not. Because he flat out told me, and of course this was all in our “talk” earlier, that he had NO interest whatsoever in meeting someone, dating someone, or anything along those lines, that he just wanted to focus on himself. So I said how the hell is going out with the same person every week and talking to the same person every day focusing on yourself,  that’s lying. And blahblahblah ended with me being pissed and us getting nowhere. But regardless, I told him it pisses me off that he’s talking to them, the whole situation pisses me off, and I didn’t want to hear about his workouts or anything else that involves either one of them. I know I’m probably being stupid, but it bothers me. Like I said previously, I don’t want him moving on with someone else. And I feel like that’s what this is. I guess that’s all I really have today. I’ve been trying to keep things pretty mild lately. I’m trying to figure out how I can sell my engagement ring and use that money to get put on medicine. But I also don’t have the motivation to do much these days. The depressions taken a physical toll on me. I lost weight along time ago, which is something that I really didn’t need to do, but now I’m just always tired, but also have insomnia. I usually don’t fall asleep until atleast 4, some nights 6 in the morning. And all I want to do all day long is sleep, but of course its usually pretty hard to sleep. I thought about maybe trying a “nap” type schedule, 4 hours asleep, 8 hours awake. But that’d be really hard to work around Gage’s work schedule and dealing with the kids. Speaking of which I’m apparently on my own for basically the whole day tomorrow, he works both jobs, Taya will be in daycare for the day, but after that it’s just me and the kids til about 2 AM…. Those days scare me.

Feels like the end

Saturday, June 23rd 2:19 am

It's over. that's all I feel right now, is it's truly over. He's really moving on. Me and gage just had sex. I know I know, wtf. It happens from time to time, we're people, we have needs. Yes our sex life was a huge problem while we were together, but at the end of the day if your needs are to that point, they need to be taken care of. So anyways, my thing is necks. I like my neck to have some special attention paid to it, and I like to pay special attention to other peoples' necks. Normally, I would merely tilt my head to the side, and he knew what that meant. He did nothing this time. I kept trying to go towards his neck, he kept saying no, which I just figured is because he sees both the fat bitch and the skank tomorrow, why leave evidence your still fucking your ex, right. Then I'm laying there afterwards as he's kinda half ass hovering over me, when I realized, normally he'd be laying on top of me. Then I realized, he didn't kiss me, anywhere, not even once. I don't expect to kiss on the lips, thats alot of feelings and emotions involved, but like I was kissing his chest and shoulders, he normally would too. No. nothing. Anywhere. the second I realized that, I just felt like curling up in a ball, crying, thinking this really means its over. That to me was the signal of I don't want you anymore. And then, before he left, he had the nerve to say your still attractive. Are you fucking kidding me!?! I just fucking slept with you, I feel dead and empty because of how dead and empty that sex was, and you fucking tell me I'm still attractive!!!!!! Mother fucker I want to slice your fucking balls off!
So now here I am. Once again. 2 am. Wide awake. And feeling like shit. bars are closed. I have no alcohol, literally none. So. Here I fucking am.
I had a pretty decent day up until this point.

Its hard not to want to go out and say fuck it and not give a shit how my night goes. to run to john and not give a shit what time I get home or what Gage thinks. That's just how my personality is, that's how I function. You fuck with me, you piss me off, I'm tempted to do anything I can to hurt you. Restraining from that, it's fucking hard, and thank god its almost 3 am, because that's a huge factor in stopping me. But like a fucking idiot, I still fucking care and still fucking want this to work out, like an idiot I still have hope, restraining me from going and doing everything imaginable to fuck up. Because I still fucking have hope if I dont fuck up too bad, and I'm not too fucking stupid, that this can be fixed. But I'm a fucking idiot. Clearly I've moved past the sad depressed hurt empty phase, I'm in the mother fucking pissed the fuck off phase. Pissed the fuck off. Pissed. The fuck. Off. I can't fucking decide between depressed and angry. I wanna cry, and I wanna slam his face into a wall.

Fuck.

Here we go...

Friday, June 22^nd, 2012. 12:43 AM

Anna Nalick said it pretty good…”2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to” That’s how I feel at this moment, it’s not quite 2 AM, it’s 12:45 AM. I’ve been laying in bed for almost 2 hours now, trying to fall asleep, and I just can’t because of the countless thoughts running through my head. And these countless thoughts, have slowly but surely been threatening the life they belong to. So as I was laying there, I thought to myself, I need to get this out. I discovered a few months ago, with the help of a psychologist, that I keep everything inside, I hold onto things too much, and over the past years everything’s been stacking up, consuming my very life. And time and time again, I’ve told myself, I need to let it go, I need to get these words out of my head in one way or another. Well that lead to talking to myself in the shower, and boy let me tell you when you’re already feeling crazy, that’s just the icing on the cake. So laying there tonight, I made a decision, and I will do my best to stick with it, but I need to get these words out of my head. I need to express myself in some way. I need to just release everything. So I thought, blog. Even if nobody reads what I write, it’s still releasing it from inside of me. And if someone does happen to read my thoughts, hey maybe some good will come from this. So here we are, at 12:49 AM. It’s not on a blog yet, no I’m far too unmotivated for that at the moment I wouldn’t even know where to begin, then I’d really be staying up all night. So for now I will type this in a lovely little word document, and eventually, transfer to an actual blog.

Now, I don’t feel like giving my whole back story, that will come with time I’m sure, as all my little issues arise. Basically the gist of things is, I’m 22 years old. I have a 3 year old, and a 10 month old. Yes you can smack your palm to your forehead at this point. Things we’re okay, for a little while. Then when my youngest was about 6 months old, things got bad. I’ve had my moments of depression before, but this was…different. This was unbearable. A vicious circle of hate, and self loathing, and confusion. And I didn’t treat it, I let it go and go and go. Until one day, I snapped. Now my life’s pretty much in crumbles. Me and their father, we were together for 6 years. Notice the were. I started treating him like shit, and being self destructive, and the depression consumed me, really it still does, and we broke up. Now there’s MUCH more to it than that, we had been having problems for quite some time, some he knew about some he didn’t until everything just started pouring out of me. Needless to say, of that 6 years, the last 2 we were engaged, but for the last 1 year I wasn’t wearing my ring, I had given it back to him while I was pregnant, because things weren’t where they should be.

So let’s get to today. There’s some people and relationships I should probably just throw right on out there because they will be mentioned:
Gage – baby daddy. Ex (I will never be used to that). High school sweetheart. Love of my life. I destroyed him.
Courtney- the sister. We’re currently not speaking, because she said some uncalled for words and wont apologize.
Mother- well that’s pretty self explanatory, she’s my mother.
Taya- My 3 year old. The real love of my life. My drive and my motivation each and every day, since the day I found out I was pregnant with her. She truly is my world.
Alara- My baby. It’s conflicting what to say here. Here goes: Obviously I love her to death, she’s my child. But then this is where the depression comes full circle…I got bad post partum because of her, so then I can’t help but to blame her in my thoughts for making me like this, which just angers myself because what kind of a parent thinks that way.
John- Might also be referred to as Brinley. He’s been my “special friend” since things with me and Gage got bad. For a long time he was the only person that I felt comfortable talking to about everything that was going on with me and Gage. I’m not interested in having a relationship with him, I see no future with him, and he feels the exact same about me. But for right now, he’s my only escape from this world that I feel so trapped in. And I need that escape.
Stefan- The only other person that I talk to about everything. Other than me and Gage, John and Stefan are the only people that know EVERYTHING. My own family doesn’t know the extent of whats going on with me and Gage, they merely know we’re broken up. As far as I know, Gage’s family doesn’t even know we’re broken up. So these 2 people are the people I confide in. Stefan’s been my friend for almost a decade. And lately, he has more than proven his friendship. Even when I’m being at my worst, he sets me straight, tells me to grow the fuck up, and all the right words I need to hear. I really don’t know where I’d be without him right now, he’s helped me get through a lot. And Stefan, if I let you read this, and you’re at this point, I truly mean that. You’ve been amazing.
Candice- Might also be referred to as “that fat bitch”. She likes Gage. Gage works out with her every morning. Gage claims he’s not interested in her, but obviously I’m going to think what I want.
Kalon- Might also be referred to as “fucking slut”. She likes Gage. Gage likes her. It pisses me off.

Alright so enough of that, now onto the real shit. I guess I should put this out there too, I swear. I swear a lot. Sorry. So what’s really bothering me right now, other than the fact that writing about that fucking slut has put an image of her in my mind and is aggravating me but I’ll get over that, the whole reason behind me laying in bed having all these swirling thoughts driving me crazy, provoking me to get out of my nice comfy warm bed and come to the computer, is I’m so conflicted.

I don’t want Gage to move on. I’m not diving into our past right now, but I don’t want him to move on. I don’t want him dating. I don’t want him liking this Kalon bitch. I don’t want him falling in love. I don’t want her meeting my freaking children. I don’t want her anywhere near him. I don’t want to be replaced. But right now, I don’t want him. I know I know, I’m selfish blahblahblah how can you prevent him from happiness if you threw it away I know. I’ve heard it ten million times from myself alone, let’s not factor in the additional 10 million times Stefan’s told me. I know. I’m fucked up. My whole thing with Gage that ultimately led to the break up, was that I was no longer IN LOVE with him. I still loved him. And cared about him. And I still do. But I was not IN LOVE. There were no sparks. No passion. No chemistry. No excitement. It was boring. The same thing, each and every day. I felt trapped. I’ve been with him since I was 15. There really was not dating before that. It was a couple flings, and then boom relationship, then boom kid, then boom another kid. And I have all kinds of childhood drama to go with that. So I felt like, my life was over. I felt 40. I still feel 40. You should not be 22 years old and feel like you’re 40 and that your life is over and that this is all your ever going to know. I got futher into planning our wedding, and more and more I felt, who the hell am I. I’m a mother. And basically a wife. But who the hell else was I? Who the fuck is April? I had no freaking clue. I felt lost. I feel lost. I feel like by having kids so young, completely my choice, that along the way I lost myself. I no longer had things that I did for me, things that I enjoyed to do. I woke up, took care of my kids, went to work, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, watched the same tv show, took a shower, went to bed. Repeat. Every. Single. Day. There was no ME anywhere in there. I felt like a robot. And it freaked me out. It was too much. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take feeling like this was my life for the next who knows how long. That there wasn’t going to be anything else, there wasn’t going to be anything new, there wasn’t going to be anything exciting. I didn’t get excited about things anymore. I became dead inside. And this was before the post partum got bad. So before even entering a stage of severe depression, I was already feeling dead inside. Birthdays, felt nothing. Holidays, lets roll through the routine. Nothing. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? When you start to picture that being your life every single day for the next 40 years. I can’t be the only one that would go crazy from that.
So, I still have love for Gage. And it hurts me to see him and not be with him (we still live together, I see him everyday, that’s a whole lot of hurt). I still want our happily ever after, living together, married, raising our kids, white picket fence, whole nine yards. I do still want that. But I don’t want it right now. I don’t want it the way our relationship was. I want to LIVE a little (although if you ask my family, they will tell you I’ve been doing a whole lot of living lately). I want to be a kid and make mistakes and be stupid, and freaking be 22. And anytime I tell someone that, the response is ALWAYS “Well you can’t do that, you have kids of your own” And my response is ALWAYS(I didn’t care who you were) “Well thank you asshole, for making my depression even worse, because I already knew this, why do you think
I feel like such shit). Told you, viscous circle. Going round and round and round. I want to be 22, but I can’t be 22 I have to be a mom. Which just makes me feel more depressed, because I can’t. Back to Gage. I still want all of those things, but I need to know who the hell I am first. And I know he doesn’t understand that. And I know he’s hurt by my actions. And I know he’s hurt by this breakup. But is it really fare for me to stay with him, when I’m not in love with him, and I’m not happy, which cannot possibly be making him happy? That’s not right. It’s not right to him. He deserves better. But I don’t want that better to be with someone else, I still want that better to be with me. I just know right now, I can’t give him that better. I need to give myself better. I need to find myself. I need to learn to like myself, to love myself, and then to love him. I can’t do that if we’re still in that toxic loveless relationship. I saw no other option. And I hope one day he can understand that, regardless of what our outcome is. And I hope one day my sister can stop hating me for this. I truly saw that this was my only option if I was going to keep living (which yes has run through my mind).

Right now my situation with Gage is this: We live together, because money is tight and we only have 1 car and can’t afford to do things separately. We are civil. We talk. We can be around eachother. Hell, we can even play video games together. But the hurt is there. The sadness is there. For both of us. I’m pushing him away, because of how much I’ve hurt him. But we made an agreement, and I can’t let go of that. We both would still love to have that happy ending. But it has to be RIGHT. It has to make sense. It has to be passionate, and exciting, and fulfilling. So right now, we are working on building a friendship. Being able to be around each other without the sadness. Being able to take our kids out together, and it not be awkward. Being able to laugh, and not feel bad afterwards. And if that friendship builds itself into something more, then we would take it in stages. Taking everything in stages, rebuilding everything. Not just friendship to engagement again, no. That won’t work. It has to go civil, friends, dating, relationship, whatever. It has to build itself up to that point. That’s the only way we can get to a good lasting point. I pray that happens. I pray we can get there. We’re still in the civil stage a little bit though.

Now, throw in my confusion. John. Everything I have with John, I don’t have with Gage. Everything I don’t have with John, I do have with Gage. If I could merge these 2 relationships into 1, I’d be golden. Gage holds my heart. The emotions, the caring, the trust, the comfort level, the history, the knowledge. Everything mental and emotional, is with Gage. But our sex life, is just sex. It died. As I started realizing I wasn’t in love with him anymore, having sex got harder and harder to do. It was passionless. It was merely sex. And that sucks. Everything physical, is with John. Our personalities conflict a lot. There’s no trust, no comfort, no history, none of that. But there’s excitement. There’s anticipation. There’s passion. Everything I have with John, is not with Gage. Everything I have with Gage, is not with John. And it is the most conflicting, confusing, aggravating, stressful thing ever. Like, WTF are your supposed to do? UGH!

Now obviously, since this is the first post I’m making, there’s so much more to every story. But for right now, this is where I’m at tonight. This is what was bothering me, and keeping me awake.

Everytime someone finds out I have depression, they ask why. I had an amazing man, who loved me to death, and treated me so good, and had qualities that are very hard to come by (mostly, and he will admit to this, because I basically made him who he is). They tell me I have 2 happy, healthy, beautiful daughters. They tell me I have family who loves me. No friends, I don’t really have friends. They tell me that I just got accepted into the college of my dreams. What could I possibly have to be depressed about. And I always just tell the, I have my reasons. Maybe by my doing this, I can help them to understand a little better. Things aren’t always what they seem. I’ve become a master at making everything seem perfect, when it’s a disaster. My depressions, its day by day. I’m not on medicine because I can’t afford it, so until then, it’s day by day. Some days are awesome, I don’t think about anything bad. Most days are spurts, for the most part they’re just calm with a couple of sad moments. A couple days are bad. Nobody except me and Stefan though seem to realize, there’s already huge improvement in me. Because when I hit my breaking point, every day was bad. There were no good days. There were no calm days. It was just all bad days. And the fact that I’m able to see everything like this, I see it as a step forward. I know I have a long way to go, but I think this is also another step forward.

Anyone who just read all of that, if anyone, is just as crazy as I am :D