it'd be easier

 lately,  my depression comes and goes in little  spurtsagain.  mostly if I get upset,  it escalates much worse than it should. I  start to wonder if maybe in actuality I'm bipolar andthat's the problem that's why medicine doesn't help enough.
 not my point.
 not,  don't take this the wrong way. I  love my kids.  endlessly.  every little bit of them even when they're being brats I still love them unbelievably much and live for them and cherish them.  they're incredible.
 but sometimes.  sometimes I wish I never had kids.  not so I can be a normal person,  on the contrary.  sometimes I wish that wasn't the case,  so I could just end everything already.  other than them I see no reason to live, I  screw up everything I'm a walking time bomb I constantly try to destroy my relationship because I feel it's too good for me I dint deserve such a great relationship such a great man,  that I'm  unworthy. and one of these days it'll catch up to me and he'll stop fighting and just give it and it'll be too late.  butI ican't help it. I  can't help feeling this way and pushing and causing problems even when he tells me a million times a day I'm good enough I still can't listen and process it,  can't feel it.  so for selfish stupid reasons, I  wish I never had kids,  so I didn't have a reason to live.
  take the easy way out.  not  have to deal with this,  with the hurt.  but then,  taking the essay way out is never allowed now is it.

one life

one  day,  you'll wake up,  and look down,  and go holy shit.  You have this little being that is watching your every move,  learning from you,  mimicking you,  becoming you.   Becoming you.  And there's nothing you can do about it,  because to them,  you're perfect,  and you're their whole world. All they live for is to make you happy.  They're the most genuine,  grateful,  pain in the ass,  ridiculously amazing and astounding little things you could ever imagine,  and they want to be just.  like.  you.  And that is terrifying.  My little beings are 2 and 4  now,  and more and more each day,  not only do I see myself in them,  but I see them in each other. Specially the little one,  learning from her big sister,  watching her,  trying to do everything she does all the big girl stuff.  meanwhile the big girl is trying to be just like mommy.  And you stop.  And you think.  And you realize, I dont want  them to be like me!  How horrible that would be!  And you sit there,  and point out every little personality flaw you have.  You're stubborn,  you're bitchy,  you're always late,  you procrastinate,  you can be insanely negative,  you're self conscious,  every little thing in the book.  And you're creating them to be just.  like.  that.  And you just go,  well fuck.  But it's not.  It's not well fuck.  It's wake the fuck up and start a new life because it's never too late.  You get 1  chance in the world. 1  chance to make something of yourself,  to be proud,  to accomplish, to teach,  learn,  and grow. 1  chance to make a difference,  to be something.  To be happy,  fulfilled,  loving,  gracious,  admired.  You get this 1 life,  why sit here blowing it,  because you're too afraid of failing,  of  disappointing,  of not being enough,  because you feel like what's done is done no going back?  None of that is true.  Until you live your last day,  it is never too late to make a change.  So while you sit there,  and you stare at those little beings wanting to be just like you,  why not instead of thinking oh well,  think and declare,  today is the day.  It is not oh well. I am going to make myself something my kids will be proud of,  something I won't feel like I ruined for them.  If you can't change for yourself,  do it for you're little beings.  And if you don't have those yet,  heaven bless your heart because you got more time to perfect who you want that person to be.  You have more time for fuck ups and lessons learned,  so when you have those little beings looking up at you with those I'm innocent eyes,  you can get it right the first time.  And if you can't change for a life that is dependent on you,  well then you're a worthless human being and should probably just kill yourself :)
1  life.  Don't let anything hold you back from making it great.

The crazy thoughts

Every once in awhile, you have one of those days, when even though you know your better, not perfect but better, some of those thoughts, they just sneak back in. for no apparent reason. But its different. Or atleast it should be. Because your better. You have reason now. Whereas before, your crazy thoughts, they made sense to you. They were your distorted reality. But now that reasons back in your brain, it becomes this battle, of your crazy alternate universe irrational thoughts, and your functioning, deciding, reasoning thoughts.
I'm having of course the retarded blah blah shit sucks thoughts. But then those progress into something more, something completly different, and even more irrational.
I feel like you should know better. You should know that somethings wrong today, that I don't feel good, and you should sense that. You should know when I'm feeling sad, all I want is for you to just be here. I feel like you should know through my actions, that regardless of everything, there hasn't been a single time since I saw you that I havn't wanted you by my side, even for a second.
I just want you here. I want you to waltz through that door and be here because you knew I needed you.
But that's irrational. Because you dont know. Because regardless of everything, I wont admit it to you. Because I don't want to appear to be weak to you.
So I sit here. Alone. With my irrational thoughts. Battling it out against my rational thoughts.

I want love

I want it. Just don't honestly know if I'm ready for it. All I know is, I want someone to share my moments with. I want someone by my side, through the thick and thin. I want to be there by someones side. I want to know I'm with someone we're lifting each other up. Building each other. I want to be someones everything, and have them be mine. I want at the end of the day to just have someone to run to and everything feels amazing. I want other people to look at us and know how in love we are. I want our chemistry and passion to be so strong we constantly want to be next to each other. that kiss when your with them its so amazing your world spins. someone that every thing just fits so perfectly. Just going to work I miss them and they miss me. I want it. But I dont know that I'm ready to let someone in to get it.

Realization

All these issues I've been having in regards to not being ready for a relationship, not trusting someone enough, being too afraid of being hurt, not liking myself enough. They're stupid. Now dont get me wrong, I'm not at all saying I'm ready for one yet, but I shouldn't be pushing them away and running for the hills at the mention of one either. I need to let whats going to happen, happen. I spend so much time pushing away people that are interested and chasing after ones that aren't, it's stupid. Anyone can hurt me. But the right guy, isn't going to. The right guy isn't going to want to. So if one does hurt me, he's not the right guy, and I can walk away knowing that. Trust is earned, not given. I know that one. I think my biggest issue with trust is, I don't trust myself. So I immediately don't trust anyone else. But at the same time, that's stupid too. Because I know me. And I know when I'm happy, I'm not going to do anything to mess it up. So if I give into my stupidness or erratic behavior, then once again, it's not meant to be. I wasn't happy with Gage, there's no denying that. I saw the signs for a long time. And gave into my stupid erratic behavior. But I was so afraid of hurting him, I stayed when I shouldn't have. Stupid. I could've avoid ssooo much had I just listened to the signs. Listened to my head. My heart thinks too much. I can't force something to work, and my past 2 relationships, I tried and tried and tried sooo hard to force it to work well past its expiration point. Because I was afraid of being alone, afraid of hurting them, afraid of how things would change. But I'm not afraid of that anymore. Because it wasn't right. Why do I want something that doesn't feel right? If it's right, I have no reason to be afraid. And if it's wrong, I have the right thing to look forward to. There's no rush to find someone and be happy. More and more each day I'm learning how to be happy on my own. Appreciate all the things I currently have. Live for my girls. They're my happiness. And giving them what's right, is my priority.
I've spent ssooo much time being miserable at Gage and hating him and hating his girlfriend, it's stupid. So stupid. I'm hurt, but that's not an excuse. I want nothing more than for me to be happy, and I know that's not with him, so why shouldn't I be happy for him? There's no reason why I shouldn't want him to move on. Yes I was afraid of being replaced, all our memories taken away, everything we had lost, but that's stupid. I can never be replaced by any other girl, we share too much, hell I gave him children, nobody can replace that. And they can't replace a spot that I don't want. I need to work on building our friendship, because this bitterness and hostility, him taking it out on the girls, it's not fair to anyone. This is by no means saying I accept his girlfriend and am okay with it and her meeting my kids, fuck no she can go jump off a bridge for all I care, but the anger, it has to go.
This past week has sucked. I was so consumed with anger and worry, it made me miserable. But being in Key West, changing my environment, it was soooo good for me. Sitting on that rooftop just staring at the sky, I was able to clear my head and reflect on everything. For that one day, I was so happy. The worry was gone, the stress, the aggravation, it was all gone. And I realized, I want that feeling, all the time. Whatever it takes.
So that's my focus right now. Doing what it is to get me that feeling all the time. Letting go of all of my anger. God April seriously the name of your damn blog is let it go and your just now getting this? There's no reason for me to hold onto anger like I do. But thats the type of people I surrounded myself with, angry hostile bitter people. And lately I've been experiencing more and more calm, happy, go with the flow people. And it's sssoooo much better.
I'm ready. I'm excited. After this weekend, I have no doubt in my mind, moving is whats going to be best for me. You would think I'd think the opposite, because I wouldn't have gotten through this weekend if it wasnt for my family helping me out, but the change of scenery, it's going to be so good for me.
I'm going to focus on letting the anger go easier.
Surrounding myself with better people, positive people, happier people.
Keeping calm, and ways to better calm myself down.
Being happy, and letting what's going to come into my life, come.
Stop chasing things, people, situations. Whats going to happen will happen and I know that, I always have. Its time to stop pushing and start embracing.
Stop divulging my problems. I'm putting too much energy on them. I always felt like being out there and honest with who I am and what I've been through was the best approach, but it's not, because I'm putting energy on this negative situation that I had to deal with, and that's not good. I know who I am, I know what made me this way, and I'm okay with it. I'm at terms with it. It's my past and that's okay. I have to be medicated, and that's okay. I have parts of it that I will deal with indefinitely, and that's okay. But it's mine, and not anyone elses. If someone asks, I'm more than happy to share. But I'm done telling.
Fuckin yoga and meditation, I need to get back on that shit. It calms me so much.

Boys

I dont know what to do about boys. After the shit with John, I wasn't ready for anyone to get anywhere near me. Trust was gone. Fear was present. I was hurt so bad. I didn't know how to move on. I blamed myself for everything, that I wasn't good enough of a person, that there was something wrong with me. I know now and have come to terms with and accepted the fact that thats not at all the case, I did what I could, I honestly did nothing wrong, I tried every day to make him happy, give him my all, show him that he deserved better than he thought, and that's just not something he wanted. I no longer look at it as I'm not good enough for him, but more so he's not good enough for me. And I knew that all along, I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
After the whole, ordeal, with getting over him, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I didn't wish anything bad on him, I did love him and truly just want him happy even to this day, but I was left with SO much loneliness. I was so used to having somebody there for me, if I needed to talk about something, if I needed to be held, if I had...needs...I was so used to that person being there. And then it was gone, but I still needed all of that. I needed attention. So in came the ...friendly... ways. I felt like, I couldnt just have 1 guy, I would get attached. But if I kept myself busy with multiple guys, no getting attached, no getting hurt. Boy was that stupid.
Now, the real trouble lies here...everytime I open up to a guy, other than John, about my past of depression and my current anxiety, they freak the fuck out and run for the hills. Now I get that, to an extent. It's alot for somebody to deal with, understand, and take on, specially if its new to them. But if I'm just simply trying to be honest, so you know whats going on with me when I have an "episode", then I'm not asking you to take on any of my problems or deal with it or handle it, just be there for me. And they freak. Every. Time. And it makes me scared. It makes me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me, other than the obvious. It makes me feel like I can't be true and honest about who I am. It doesn't play a role in my day to day life like it used to, but it does still make surprise appearances. I don't think people get that. I think immediately I'm viewed as someone whose fragile. As a completely different person. And I dont understand that. I'm the same person. Just like everyone else. I have feelings and emotions, mine are just a little more extreme at times. Why does that warrant treating me any different? Maybe I'm just opening up too soon? I kinda felt like, put all my cards out on the table right from the beginning  so if I'm rejected I'm rejected, no wasting anyones time. But maybe thats the wrong approach? Or maybe they're just the wrong guy. It's really hard to know which.
It just sucks. I've accepted who I am. I've accepted that is a part of my past, my recent past, and it will be a part of my life for probably quite some time. Even when it's not present, it's still a disease that lives within you just like any other. It's something that has helped to shape me into the person I am, some good some bad. It's a part of me. And I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. I've learned how to handle it, how to cope with it, and how to let go of it. Every day, slowly but surely, I'm teaching myself how to accept more and more of myself, how to love myself more, so that one day when I do meet a guy that can accept me for me, I'll be able to give them what they deserve. I just wish people would see the me that I see, and not this picture of a girl with depression. I wish someone actually took the time to get to know me, and where it stems from, what happened in my life, where I currently am. Who I currently am. Instead of just passing judgement. I don't think anyone realizes how hurtful that really is. To judge a person based off of one thing before you even know them. Specially if all the things you did know prior to that, were great.
It makes me sad. For myself, for them, for other people that have to experience this. It makes me really sad.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder, why do I bother trying? I try so hard to make the people around me happy. So hard to be the person that everyone wants me to be or expects me to be. So hard to please everyone. So hard to find someone that cares. And why? For what? What good has come from any of it? I get walked all over. Forgotten. Used. I'm tired of being everyones partial because nobody wants all of me.

I'm putting a lock on this heart of mine.

I've been hurt. Alot. Over my life, but mostly, over this past year. Not 2013, although as stated it does suck. But these past 12 months have really sucked a fat one. I used to be this strong, heartless girl, that would crush a boy in a heartbeat before I even considered letting them hurt me. I would break up with a boy the second things got mushy. I dumped a kid I actually kind of liked because he bought me a piece of jewelry that said love, and it freaked me out. On valentines day. That was the type of person I was. I didn't allow myself to care, I had these giant fortress of walls up, and even letting friends in was a challenge. Then I fell in love with gage. granted it took some time, some running, some breakups, but eventually, it happened. On valentines day. The irony. Anyways, once I let those walls down, it's like I forgot how to put them back up. It wasn't an effort when they originally went up, I was just wired that way, I'd seen too much in my young life, it hardened me. but knocking those walls down for gage, it opened up a field of hurt. It allowed anyone to just waltz into my life and do as they please. While I stood. Like a naive idiot. Because I developed optimism and hope and the want for love and happiness and relationships. These things that should be great that I so badly wanted, they allowed everything else to come in. like opening the gates to hell. I got hurt by gage. I'm over it, I've learned to deal and accept, but ultimately the hurt is still there. I hurt myself by hurting gage and our family. I got hurt by people I considered friends, not caring one way or another if I existed. I got hurt by john. I'm still hurt by john. I still hurt every day. But yet I still find myself missing him. with each realization of how not good enough, not pretty enough, not tame enough, not wild enough, not enough not enough not enough I am to him, I get hurt and hurt and hurt. Each time I think, yes, I'm ready, I want a relationship, I want to find love, I want my happily ever after, I just get more and more hurt, because to every guy I meet, im not good enough. To every guy. No guy looks at me and thinks, I'm bringing her home to mom shes girlfriend material. No. they ALL look at me and think ssscccooorrreeeeee. for some reason, even before I say a friggen word, I could be dressed in sweats, and I'm still ALWAYS looked at like a piece of ass. And thats just more pain. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me, theres obviously something. Will I always be this way? Am I destined to be nothing more than everyones booty call? Why me?
It hurts. I dont think anyone realizes it, but something like that, hurts. And it kills your self esteem. So all this hurt and pain, and I still can't figure out how to put those walls back up.
But somethings gotta change. I can't get knocked down too much more and expect to keep putting myself back together. And I can't keep thinking I want someone to want to be there while I put the pieces together. I need to do this for myself, by myself. I need to learn how to be the cold hearted bitch I used to be, and apparently people think I still am. Im not a toy and im done being played with.
Its time for change.

Scared to let go

I'm holding onto john so tightly, trying so desperately to not lose those memories, feelings, to not give up, to not let him give up. And why? For what? I KNOW we were toxic. I know things between us were a time bomb of good moments waiting for the next fight, repeat. I know unless he did some serious changing there was no future between us. I know I deserve someone who will treat me better, someone whose not so afraid of admitting they care about me. Someone whose not terrified of running into someone they know every time we were in public together. So why? Why do I hold on so strongly to that. Why am I so afraid of letting go?
Well thats just it. I am afraid. I'm afraid every time I care about someone, they're going to leave. I'm afraid im never going to be good enough. I wasn't good enough to make gage happy, I wasn't good enough to make john keep his guard down longer than 5 minutes. Theres just something about me that can't make people happy. And I hate that. I should be good enough as me.
I trailed off a little bit there. I'm afraid of letting someone else in. john knew everything. My whole past. He was there for all of the struggles. He didn't judge me for it. Just for other things. And now that I'm trying to open up to someone else, and hes running scared, it makes me terrified of opening up again. It makes me feel like a basket case. It once again makes me feel not good enough.
I'm terrified of letting someone in, and they use that to hurt me. Im terrified of hurting someone I care about.
But mostly, the biggest reason I can't let go, I'm TERRIFIED of being alone. Finding someone that accepts even the vast majority of me is difficult. Finding someone to accept that I have kids is difficult. Finding someone that accepts both of those, I'm starting to think is impossible. And I don't want to be alone. Its not that I can't handle being alone, I certainly can, its that I dont want to. I want love and happiness. I want to wake up every morning and look over and be insanely happy, lucky, and grateful to be waking up next to someone. I want to be able to look in someones eyes and be able to tell they love me as much as I love them. I want to miss them when they're gone and look forward to seeing them. I want to know someone feels the same about me. I want to know I matter to someone. That I'm wanted. And I'm terrified of not finding that.
And its not something I need right this minute, but I also dont want to waste my time on guys that thats not there with. And I know its not with john. I don't need to meet someone today and get married tomorrow, no. I don't want to rush into that because I need to know its real. But I'm so scared of never finding a guy that wants that with me. Im so scared I'm never going to be good enough, that I'm always going to be too much to handle, that nobodies ever going to look at me and think, its worth getting past all that to discover me. And it makes me sad. Because I know beneath my fucked up, cold, bitchy surface, im insanely caring and compassionate. I know how amazing I can be once I let you in. I know that me is worth something, and it makes me so sad and feel so low to know that nobody thinks its worth getting past the surface. It makes me feel really shitty. like I'm just too screwed up. Not worth it. Not good enough. Like theres something wrong with me. Its a horrible feeling.
Coming into this post, I knew exactly how it needed to end: the title of my freakin blog is let it go, and my damn side says feed your dreams starve your fears. I need to listen to myself and do those things. Let john go, let the past go, its the only way I can be open for better. Stop being scared  and start going after what I want.
But right now, I just feel low.

2013, you suck

Sugar dies in a very heart breaking way.
Haley gets let outside, knowing theres coyotes where I live, its been a week and shes still gone.
I get arrested.
I lose pretty much any chance of winning custody if I decide to leave florida.
I can't move out of my moms house.
I lost every friend I thought I had.
The realization of how alone I am is made very evident.
I lose any chance of gaining back a friendship because of my job, seriously?
My precious car goes bye bye.
Got banned from going to a place.
Had my engagement ring stolen along with other less valuable crap.

We're only in march, and all this has happened? Not my year at all.

Feeling unworthy

Uugghh I guess let me start off by saying, I'm not sober, so apologies in advance, I don't proof read.
Tonight, im feeling so unbelievably unworthy, not good enough, rejected, doomed to be alone forever. Nobody can handle me. I have too much baggage for anyone. Im a tiny package but I come with alot. some is good, but some not  so much. my good qualities make me so unique of a person, but apparently my bad qualities are enough to crush all of that.
My attitude is too much, my personality is too much, my past is too much.
I feel so inadequit, like just trying to be me isnt good enough.
I feel like im going to be impossible for anyone to ever love.
All of this, it makes me feel broken.

The break up, and a few other things

I can't sleep. Tonight is the first time I have shared this blog with someone, because I want him to know where I come from. and that was terrifying, letting someone I barely know so deep into my life. But it also made me for the first time, go back through and reread everything outside of a mood. It was dark. I'm much better now. I still slip and struggle and have my moments, but thats part of healing from something like this. I'm going to have those moments where life gets me and I have to remember how to deal. But the reason I know I'm better, I can pick myself back up. I started drinking again. When I started having my "moments". Bad idea. Its just hard when I'm trying to make friends and its hheeyy lets go downtown, saying hheeyyyyy I really shouldn't drink, its just not something I want to explain to everyone.
me and john broke up, about a month ago. He broke up with me. He says I'm untrustworthy. I'm too flirty. He doesn't believe me when I honestly say I wasn't doing anything. But it was also that he felt like he wasn't making me happy, so he wasn't happy. Its been hard to let go, I know I'm better off without him, but it still hurts. I wish for nothing but the best for him I truly do want him happy. I know on the outside hes a shitty person, but he helped me with so much, regardless of the amount of pain he put on me I still want whats best for him.
Me and gage, still not getting along.
Me and the rest of the world, pretty non existent. I still do my best to alienate myself for some reason. I want to be cared about and know someone is there for me, but after john, I'm terrified of feeling inadequit again, not good enough, not worthy. The rejection hurts, so I guess I figure I'd rather not give anyone the chance. But thats stupid. If anything, I'm the one that needs the chance, not them.
I dont need someone to save me and rescue me, I dont need to be someones project, I dont need to be taken care of. I need to know I'm not alone while I take care save and rescue myself. I need to know I can do it myself. But I dont want to be alone.
God I hope I don't get insomnia again.

Depressed state of mind

I've realized I rather suck as a person. I always have. I've stopped taking my antidepressants, and even in my fucked up state of mind I still know my brain and logic is so altered and my reasoning skills shouldn't be trusted, but even with still realizing that it doesn't matter to me right now and everything makes perfect sense to my twisted little world right now.
Anyways back to why I suck so hardcore. I've alienated myself. I always do. I make it impossible for myself to make friends, but then wonder why I have no friends. After switching jobs and deleting everyone from everything, I've never felt more alone. I've realized I am so dependant on anything other than myself to make me feel alive and normal. I took antidepressants to function through the day. Anytime I get even remotely upset my automatic thought is I need a drink, even though it was never just one drink. Or if I was really upset the automatic was I need to cut. I couldn't, didn't want to, just deal with anything on my own. I self destruct on a frequent basis. I like to think that I get better, but really I think its just that I become less aware.
I dont go through a normal cycle of emotions. I havn't for a long time. Happiness, I experience that when I'm with john, or for very very brief moments when the girls do something cute. Anger, not really. Its more that I just get overwhelmed. Sadness, you would think. You would really think that with depression sadness should be number one, but its rather nonexistent. I don't cry. Unless me and john fight. Its truly the only time I get sad enough to cry. Not having him to run to. Not having him to talk to. Not having him to hold. Those are the only times I actually get sad. And full on waterworks, him as well. Unrequited love. Caring about someone so mother fucking much and knowing your just not someone they're capable of loving in return. Wanting so desperately to know that someone out there loves me, like head over heels on his mind all the time loves me. That I matter to someone. Wanting so badly for that someone to be john but pretty much knowing its not going to happen, yeah that one definitely brings me tears. Its funny how the only person that makes me genuinly happy, is also the only person that makes me sad.
Ultimately, what these thoughts have led to, is one ultimate thought. Nobody would even notice if I die. Family obviously, just because I live with them. But thats truly it. Work, I don't talk there people would just assume I quit. Friends, I literally just have stefan, not sure my family would think to tell him anything. John, currently not talking to me anyways so he wouldn't notice either. Quite literally, the only people at my funeral would be immediate family. Which doesn't make me sad. nope. Just makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here, why I'm wasting space and time. My kids? Can anyone honestly say their lives are better with me? I suck as a fucking mother to them now. I love them both with every fiber of my being, but I know I'm no good for them. I can't financially take care of them. Emotionally I'm usually too far gone. Physically Im so unmotivated I have to pry myself up just to feed them. Thats not a mother they deserve. Thats not a mother anyone deserves.
I daydream of something happening to me, everyday. Getting in a car accident, getting murdered, being in a fire, anything and everything. Or when I'll finally grow the balls to just end it myself.
You know what the saddest and best part of it all is? Nobody believes me. To them I just make everything up. I choose to live this way and feel these things. Nobody sees any of this, nobody hears my thoughts. Nobody. Nobody realizes just how bad I am. Sometimes I dont even realize it. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I worry myself, wonder how much I'm actually capable of, wonder what I actually want, if I actually want to die or if I just think its what will be best for everyone. Sometimes I scare myself and think I should check myself into a hospital. But then I realize, whats the point? So I can listen to everyone tell me I'm just crying out for attention?
Whats the point. In any of it.

Depressions funny

When you hear of depression, you would probably imagine someone who just spends their days crying uncontrollably. But thats not the case. I hardly ever cry. Even thinking about something so sad, watching a sad movie, or being in an actual sad situation, theres not even a hint of tears. But not talking to john in 4 days, not knowing if hes still going to be in my life, the thought of not having him in my life, and missing him like crazy, brings me to shaking, heart wrenching tears.

Fuck

...I think I'm falling in love with him...